Forever in our Hearts: Part 2

....now that you know the stories of each of my little ones, let me share how much it affected me. I will just say that this may be difficult for people to read or even understand. In fact I don't believe you can even begin to comprehend the feelings and emotions that went through my mind after each of my babies died. I guess the only way you could know would be if you had been through it yourself and I hope that those of you who haven't never do.

The things that happened to me physically were the same with each death, my appetite was almost non-existent and my sleep patterns got so out of whack.  I remember going to bed physically exhausted only to sleep about three to four hours and then be wide awake. These physical problems took about a month or so to get over, but the emotional ones still pop up.  There are about three main emotions that I have dealt with and am still dealing with.  There were so many questions that I also had, so many that coincided  with these emotions.

1. Guilt

Was this my fault?  Did I cause this to happen?  What have I done wrong?  Is this God judging me for something I had done?  I can not even begin to tell you how much guilt I felt after each and every miscarriage. I questioned each and every thing I had done during each pregnancy and wondered if I had caused something to go wrong.  I would go over and over in my mind trying to remember what if anything I might have done.  I even begin to wonder if I had something in my life that was unpleasing to God and that he was judging me.  I know that I am not perfect by any means, but you still wonder if you may suffering the judgment of God.  Even after I was told by my doctor over and over again, I still felt that horrible guilt.  I believe I will always question and have these feelings of guilt, but I try to remind myself each day that it is not my fault and that I need to remember that.

2. Being Useless

What good am I to anyone? What is wrong with me? Why can't I do the one thing I was made for? Am I a bad mother?  I really had a hard time dealing with feeling useless. I mean this one thing I am made to do, this one thing only us women can do is have children and I am unable to do that. Do you have any idea how horrible it is to feel like you are not a women? Let me tell you that is a horrible feeling.  I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but I know that I did.  I had feelings of being of no good to anyone, even though I knew how much my other children needed me. My husband did all he could to make me feel needed and appreciated,  but being a housewife was just not enough.  I even begin to wonder if I was a bad mother to the two I already had and that is why I was unable to have more children.  I still struggle with this at times, but I just focus on the fact that my family does need me and that my husband and children love me very much.


3. Disappointment
 
Why is this happening to me?  Why do other people get to have babies and I'm left out?  Why are people having babies and then mistreating them, but I am not able to?  Why does this keep happening to me over and over again? I also have dealt with the disappointment of having not just one baby, but three babies die to miscarriage.  I have dealt with wondering why it is happening and why it keeps happening.  I have been to many doctors and had test after test done and they now think they finally know what is going on. It does make a difference to find out that something is going on with your body and that there is hope for the future. Each day when I look around and see others with new babies or those pregnant, my heart breaks.  When I see women who are not even raising their own children and are having more I just have to question why them and not me. I mean I would do the best I could in raising another baby.  Each and every day presents these things to me and I have to fight the green monster of jealousy that raises its ugly head in my heart.






.....to be continued.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Forever in our Hearts: Part 1

Let me start of this blog with a warning to you, this was very difficult for me to write, and may be difficult for some to read. I have decided to break it up into more than one post, it is just too much for me to talk about in one. I hope that by sharing my story it will help others to be able to deal with their own.

I penned these letters to our babies August, Kate and Quinn back in October as a way of helping to deal with their deaths and I wanted to share them with y'all. 

To my dearest August,

 Your were my third child, so unexpected, yet so wanted. What a joy it was to tell everyone about you, we were so excited to be having another baby. On August 10, 2010 what was to be our first ultrasound revealed that you were no longer with us. Your little heart was not beating, the Lord had called you home to be with him. Oh, how my heart was broken. It was such difficult news to hear. For the first few days I did really well, then the questioning begin. I wanted to know why God would take you home, but let others have babies, babies that would be abused and mistreated. I was so angry because understanding was not there. It would take months for me to be able to get over that anger, but I have never gotten over your death. Every time I see a little boy or girl that would be your age, I just want to weep. I am certain you were the son I had been longing for, that little boy who would complete our family. You would be 2 and 1/2 this week and such a joy to have here. I often wonder what you look like, how your personality would be? Would you be like your father, me or someone else in our family? What color would you hair and your eyes be? I never had the chance to hold you or see you on this side, but I know that I will see you again when we are together in Heaven. I know when I get there you will know me and I will know you. I long for the day that I hear you call me Mommy for the very first time. We gave you the name August, it means one of royal birth. We thought it was perfect because you bypassed this world and went straight on to live with Jesus our king.

To my dearest Kate,

 You were my fourth child, very much wanted, expected and tried for.  You were a secret that we keep and then you left us so early it was hard to even tell people about you.  On April 29, 2011, the same day of Prince William and Kate's wedding, I found out about you.  We were so excited and anxious about having another baby! After a phone call to my doctor, I was scheduled for routine blood work on Monday. On that Monday afternoon they called to tell me that is was not a matter of if, but a matter of when I would lose you.  There was nothing they could do, no medicine they could give to make you live.  We cried and prayed until that Wednesday, May 4, 2011 when God called you home to him.  Even though your lose was a difficult one, it was a little easier knowing that you and your brother were together in Heaven. You would have been 20 months old this month. I often think about you and wonder what type of toddler you would be. I also think of what our lives would be like with you here. When I found out about you, I just knew you were a girl. I made a promise that day that you would be named Katherine and called Kate. Katherine means pure and what a blessing it is to know that you now live in a pure place with our perfect Lord. Most people would think I named you after Princess Kate, Katherine is a family name for us, but calling you Kate, that was going to be after her. I can't wait until I get to see you and your brother. I look forward to the day when I hear you call me Mommy for the first time and I get to wrap my arms around y'all. What a happy day that is going to be!!  

To my dearest Quinn, 

You were my 5th child, so wanted and tried for. As I sat here drinking my coffee the thought is not lost on me that it should be decaf and that you should be here with me. On April 25, 2013 we found out we were expecting you. It had been two years exactly since our last pregnancy and we were overjoyed to get the news. I had prayed everyday for 6 months, ever since we started trying again, for a child and then God answered my prayer. Everything went fine and at 7 weeks I was able to see your little heartbeat for the first time. What a wonderful moment that was. We kept you a secret, we wanted to wait until our 12 week appointment to share the news. It was hard to do, because I was already starting to show by 10 weeks. On June 22, 2013 the complications begin and I was put on bed rest and told to get to the doctor on Monday, but I did not make it. At 1:00 on Monday morning I woke up your father and I knew you were gone. I did not need the doctor at the ER to tell me, but even when he said the words, it was still so horrible. I didn't know the human heart could be broken so many times, yet still go on beating. It was so hard to come home and tell your sisters that you were no longer with us, they didn't even know about you yet. We decided to name you Quinn, it means fifth. The number 5 is also the number of grace in the Bible and I have sure needed a lot of grace each time one of you has left me. I rejoice with those who are having babies, but sometimes it takes all I have to not weep openly at the sight of a pregnant woman. It hurts to see ultrasounds and newborn babies. Each time it is like my heart is being broken all over again. I know I will see you again my little Quinn, along with your brother August and sister Kate. Some glorious daybreak when my time here is done, I will enter into Heaven and I know you will be waiting for me. I long to see, hug and hear all of you call me Mommy. Oh, what a grand reunion we are going to have!! It is going to be so much better than anything this world has ever known!

                                                                                    Love, Mommy



To be continued......

Resolutions? Yes or No?

Ok, who makes resolutions? I guess at some point in our lives we all do.  I have been doing some thinking about resolutions and my failure to keep them over the years. It is always the same old things that you plan to do, but never manage to accomplish. Well this year I have decided not to make any resolutions!!  To me making a resolution is to much like making a vow and to me a vow is something that should never be broken. So, instead of making resolutions I have decided that they are some areas in my life that I do need to make some changes in. 


Area #1:
 I need to strive to do better in my Christian walk and life. I often feel that I fail in this area.  I want to make sure that I put aside time each day for devotions with my family. We should have time each night to sit together as a family and read the Bible. I also need to sit aside time for my own personal devotions. I want to spend more time each day on my own in the word of God learning about him. I also need to increase the time I spend in prayer. I have often prayed for things and then just stopped, but this year I plan to continue taking those requests to God. I need to take more time in witnessing for the Lord. My own personal goal is to pass out a tract for everyday next year. I have tried doing it many times, but never was able to accomplish that goal, this year I am going to try even harder to do it. My goal for 2014 is that  I want to make sure that I am being all that I can and doing all that I can for the Lord.

Area #2:
I need to take better care of myself. I read somewhere that if you do something everyday for two weeks it becomes habit. I do not know if that is true, but I was thinking it was worth a shot anyway.  The other day I was looking at myself in the mirror and the first thought I had was, "You look like a tired, old woman!". I decided then that I was no longer going to take my skin for granted. I have always been one of those women who would just come home and go to sleep with my makeup on and wake up looking like a raccoon. Well not anymore, I have decided to start taking better care of my face, after all it is the only one I will ever have, I can't afford plastic surgery. I am also planning to start exercising at least three time a week. I got really behind in that when my daughter was in the hospital and I need to get back to it. I still need to watch what I eat and try to eat healthier, but I'm not going to let that number on the scale define who I am. I have two daughters looking at me stressing over that stupid number and it is just not worth it. I want to be healthy and happy with how I look and pass that on to my daughters.

Area #3:
I need to do better with saving money. Most of y'all know that I am a penny pincher as some call it. I have been called a cheap stake and many other things by my family.  It is not that I can not buy things, I just flat out refuse sometimes. That being said, yes I use coupons and yes I have so much each month to go into a special savings account, but I still falter at the savings game.  My main goal in this area this year is to set up and keep a budget.  I have tried so many times and have falling flat on my face, but this year is going to be different. I have been following a particular blog for about two years now and she has a complete plan for budgeting, it is couponingtodisney.com(I have inserted a link to those of you who would like to take a look). I know that this year is going to be full of doctor appointments for my daughter and also doctor bills, but I still plan on trying my best to be able to coupon like I should, make sure everything is paid and still have a little to put back for our savings.

"That's my 'two cents worth', what's yours?"

http://www.couponingtodisney.com/budget-binder/

Happy New Year!! Our year in review

Man oh man, can I just say what a year 2013 has been!! For any of you who have been reading my blog over the last few months you know that it has been one more year for us.  I wish I could say we have had a great and wonderful year, but we haven't. Please don't take that statement the wrong way or get angry with me for it, but honestly the year as a whole has been a real struggle.  The first of the year started off like most of the others, no major issues or things going on. I was having some difficulty in knowing what God wanted us to do about a certain thing in our lives, but for the most part we were just going on with the day to day stuff.

 My husband was working full time, the girls were in school and I was babysitting during the week for a cute little almost one year old.  I guess you could say things were pretty much going along a normal path for us.  Then very suddenly and unexpectedly my uncle Billy passed away on Good Friday. It was quite the blow to our family and very difficult to handle. I am so glad to know that he was saved and I will get to see him again one day in Heaven.

About one month after his passing I discovered I was pregnant again (for the fifth time). My husband and I were both so excited, my last two pregnancies had ended in miscarriage and we just knew everything was going to be fine.  We decided to wait and tell everyone after our 12 week check up had passed, but unfortunately we did not make it that far. I miscarried our baby, who I named Quinn,  one day before my 12 week exam.  It was a heart wrenching time for us and one that I am still dealing with today.

 It was just a few weeks later that my aunt was diagnosed with Ovarian/Colon cancer and then three weeks after that our daughter was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  Let me just tell you, I was starting to really be able to get a  feeling for  what poor old Job went through.  I was unable to deal with the loss of our baby because I had to put the focus on my daughter and taking care of her.  I am not sure if that was a good or bad thing. I do know that the Lord has a plan for all things and he worked it out just as he wanted it to be.  Now we have been through Chemo and all other kinds of treatments and test and the Lord has been faithful and walked with us the entire way.

  My Aunt is doing great and goes in for surgery in January. We are praying that she will continue to improve everyday and be back to good health in no time. Unfortunately my mother and her siblings did lose a sister  back in November.  My Aunt  "Gertie" passed away very suddenly and is missed greatly by us all.  Our family get together this year just was not the same without her.


  I guess over all the year hasn't been completely bad. Our daughter was declared cancer free after four months of treatment.  I would say that was a great way to end the year and also the highlight of our 2013. I can tell you that our year has been filled with ups and downs and there have been many times I felt as if I were on a roller coaster ride that I could not get off of. I mean have you ever been on a ride that you just couldn't wait to end, I have physically and figuratively. As a child growing up I remember hearing people around me always saying, "Don't wish your time away, it is something you can never get back." Well, let me tell you I will be glad to wish 2013 good-bye and to only have the memories of it to look back on. So here to is to looking forward to 2014 and hoping and praying that it brings continued blessings for our daughter and my aunt. I also hope that it brings blessings on our entire family and yours.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Why we celebrate Christmas!

Our family just loves the Christmas season, it is always a joy to get together with family and friends.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year for so many reasons, but mainly because of the "real" reason for the season, the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  We have several family traditions that we enjoy doing with our children at Christmas time. The first being that no one in our family opens a single gift on Christmas day before we read the Christmas story aloud and sing Happy Birthday to Jesus.                                        

                       http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke+2&version=KJV

 

  We decided when our kids were born that we would always put the focus on Christ and let them know what this special time of year was truly about. It was a personal decision of ours that we would not tell our children about Santa Claus and that is a personal decision for all parents. We have always told our children their gifts come from Jesus, that he allows us as parents to have good health to work and provide for them.  I know this way of thinking does not sit well with all people, but then again it is a personal decision. I have explained to our girls that some parents do tell their children about Santa and that they should never tell another child that he is not real. I want them to know that it is a parents place and not theirs. I will admit that we have had some close calls at times and that our children do need a gentle reminder this time of year. 

As I sit here at the hospital waiting for my oldest daughter to come out of surgery I am reminded of how precious family is and that we have been giving a very precious gift this year, her being cancer free.  I can honestly tell you that this Christmas is going to be wonderful for that, but also bitter sweet, as I would have been giving birth to my third child right after the new year. I am glad to know that my precious baby will be spending his first Christmas in Heaven with Jesus.

I hope that y'all have a very Merry Christmas and remember without Christ there would be no CHRISTmas.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"
 



 

 

 

 

One of my happiest moments!!

I know that we have all had some happy moments in life. When I think back there are some major ones that jump out to me. The day I married my husband, each time I found out I was expecting, the birth of my children, but the best was the day that I discovered how much the Lord loved me and that he sent his son to die for me. Recently I posted a blog about the scariest sentence I had ever heard, the day my daughter was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma. Well, today I want to blog about the very happy sentence we heard just a couple of days ago. After four months of chemo treatments, many stays in the hospital, a whole bunch of blood work and a few blood/platelet transfusions we got the news everyone longs to hear, "Your daughter is cancer free!"  Oh, how that sentence made my heart soar! I can not even begin to describe the jubilation that I felt with just those few words.  In that small moment of time I took in the awesomeness of our God. I knew that he had been with us throughout the whole process, but to see and hear that healing had taken place made me see the miracle that is my daughter. As I begin to cry her doctor handed me a tissue and apologized for making me cry, my reply was, "These are happy tears".  I felt so good, almost as if I could have flown from the hospital roof.  I could hardly wait to call and tell everyone, but her Grandmother was to be the first to know and that had to be in person, you see it was mammy's birthday and she got the best present ever. It was just a couple of months ago that my husband told me he believed we would get a Christmas miracle, well he was right, because we did.  I know our journey is not over yet, we still have another surgery (to remove her port), she will be seeing the doctors a whole lot over the next few years, and she still has lots of scans to do. I was just telling someone a couple of weeks ago that sometimes you can't leap into things in life, you have to take small baby steps to get to where your place is. I know that we have many baby steps to take, but as God goes before us, I know he is making a way for us to follow.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Thankfulness is for everyday

Let me apologize for being absent for almost a month, as you can imagine things around here have been rather crazy. My daughter has been able to be in school much more this month and I have been busy with the family and preparing for Thanksgiving.  I'm sure by now all of you have gotten together with family to celebrate Thanksgiving and if your like our family you are still trying to get rid of all the leftovers that didn't get eating.  I get really tired of them, but then again it was very nice to not have to cook after church today. I hope that each one of you took the time on Thursday to express some of the things that you are thankful for. We started a new tradition of a thankful tree this year, but of course I forgot to take a picture of it. My daughters started their own tradition of reading The First Thanksgiving story to us. When you take a moment to stop and think about all the hardships that the Pilgrims went through it is amazing that they even chose to stay in the new world. It was not an easy start and life continued to be difficult, but they were able to stick it out and persevere.  Any way I just wanted to wish all of you a belated Happy Thanksgiving and to remind you and me that we shouldn't wait for one day to be thankful, but we should strive to  be thankful every day of the year for all the blessings in our lives.

                                           "That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

http://www.plimoth.org/learn/MRL/read/thanksgiving-history