Dreams, Plans and Prayers

As I look back over my life, which has been fairly short compared to some I know, I notice a change in the way I look at life altogether.  It has kind of been like a transitioning from one way of thinking to another, sort of like a metamorphosis.

It all started when I was a little girl.....

.....I was the dreamer:

I remember dreaming about all the places I would go someday, all the wonderful things I would see. I dreamed of travelling all over the world, trying new foods, meeting new people. I also dreamed of meeting my Knight in Shining Armor. I just knew that one day some man would sweep me off my feet and we would live happily ever after.  If you have been following me you know how I now feel about the phrase "Happily Ever After."

I am not saying that dreams are bad. Dreams are the things that get us through our childhood. I mean imagine what that time of life would have been like without them. Dreams can get us through times that are difficult or stressing.  Dreams are an expression of our inner selves and the things that we long for.



Then there came the high school years and my first big change.....
,,,,,That was when I became the planner:

There were so many decisions to be made, things to be done. At first I was ready to sign up and join the United States Navy. I had pen to paper and was all ready to join up. Joining the Navy was going to be my ticket to travel. It was going to be the one thing that helped me to see all those places I always wanted to go.  I went to my parents with my decision and they were against it, so I didn't go. I sometimes wonder how different my life would have been if I had went into the Navy. After that decision was made I then pursued college and nursing. Unfortunately I soon discovered my calling was not in the nursing field, I dropped out and went into the work force. In the end I did go back to school and found my true calling, teaching. I love to teach and know for a fact it is a calling that God gave me.

I think it is very important that young people have a plan for the future. I am not saying that they need to have it all mapped out, but having a basic plan is a great idea. Recently I had this same conversation with my 15 year old. She has still not decided what she wants to be, but she already has decided on community college for two years after high school. After that she will transfer to a four year school and hopefully by then she will know what she wants to be when she grows up.



I find that I am still a planner. Each day I make a list of things that I need to do. I have a book that helps me keep track of appointments and important calls that need to be made.  I even plan out all our vacations. My family gets so aggravated sometimes. I am really trying to not set such a "rigid" schedule on vacations,but old habits are hard to break.



Then the Thirty somethings came along and....
....I became the Prayer:

I just never understood how important prayer was in our lives until I hit Adulthood. I guess my early years had been pretty laid back and non-dramatic. Don't get me wrong we had our times of difficulty, times when bad things happened and we felt that weight, but for the most part I was basically unphased by life. Then I married, had children and started being an adult. Can I just say that Adulthood is kind of overrated. I begin to see that the older I get the more difficult life becomes. We as a family have been through sicknesses, death, sorrow. I have struggled with my own grief, guilt and pain. There have been times that I have been so heartbroken that tears are I could do, no words would form or be spoken.  I understand so much more why we need prayer in our lives. Living makes you see that.

Each of these phases has been an important part of my life. They have made me the woman I am today and have allowed me to grow and change throughout my life. I am a prayer and a planner, but I can also say that there is still a little bit of a dreamer inside of me. That little girl  is still there longing to do all those amazing things. Every now and then she gets the chance and with it that feeling that anything is still possible. 



"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"



So much has changed!

So a few years ago I decided to try out the new Ancestry.com DNA test. Why? I was curious about my ethnicity. My results showed 95% British Isles and 5% unknown.  That seemed about right based on what my grandmother had told me. I did notice that other people had more in-depth results and really wished that mine had been that way too. 

Later on I read that Ancestry.com recommends that you check back periodically as they are always adding new world areas to their DNA database. I figured that mine would stay the same, but thought what it is going to hurt to give it a quick check, so I did.

I have to say that I saw quite a change in my blood line.  I was amazed at all the different areas of the world my ancestors came from.  First off it showed that I was overall 99% European and 1% Native American.  We have always been told that there was Cherokee in our family, so now finally the proof. It is a small amount, but we will take it!

They then took that 99% European and broke it down to areas of Europe and percentages of each. According to my results I am:

48% Western Europe: Primarily located in: Belgium, France, Germany, Netherlands, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein

18% Scandinavia: Primarily located in: Sweden, Norway, Denmark

15% Great Britain: Primarily located in: England, Scotland, Wales

9% Iberian Peninsula: Primarily located in: Spain, Portugal

9% Ireland: Primarily located in: Ireland, Wales, Scotland






I have always been super interested in my family ancestry. I would imagine where they came from, the lives they left behind, why they left those lives, etc. I wish that they had written journals or letters so that we could have the knowledge of them.  I can just see the path of immigration that they took. If you really take the time to think about it all these countries were filled with immigrants too. I think about the Roman Empire and how far it extended out or about the Vikings and how they explored out into other parts of Europe. These two groups of people extended their bloodline and it became part of their new country of residence. I have to admit that finding out we had just a wee bit of Viking blood in us was both surprising and thrilling. 

 Before our trip to France I checked back into my family tree and discovered some French ancestors who later went to England. It made me feel a stronger connection while I was there. It was like finding a little piece of myself in a far off land. I have always wanted to travel the world and maybe someday I can visit all the other amazing countries that my family came from. 

I think this is so cool!!

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"



The Contoversy of the Confederate Flag

I am sure by now you have heard about this huge mess involving the Confederate flag. I just felt as if I had to deal with this issue in not one, but two separate post. Today I will deal with the controversy about the flag. This post will be short and to the point, but I still feel that it needs addressing.

 



In school we are taught that this flag was flown by a group of men fighting to keep their slaves.

 

 

 

  That these men were willing to die to make sure that their free labor stayed on the plantation and worked until they died.

 

 



We know  that it is being used by men and women who believe that the white race is better than any other. That they have chosen this flag as a symbol for their organization and for what they believe in.

 

 

I can understand how a person, after being taught so much bad about a flag and seeing so many people use it for their own evil, could find it to be offensive. I think about how many things I have seen or been exposed to that I have found offensive over my lifetime. 

 

Can I just let you know that the Confederate flag is not a symbol of hatred, but one of heritage.  I am sure you will not believe that statement, but I ask you to take the time to educate yourself. Please don't just believe everything you are told. Do not allow yourself to be indoctrinated by today's PC crowd. My next blog will be on the flag it self and what it really and truly means and I hope you will take the time to read it and maybe even learn something new.



 



 

 

 

 

 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

 

 

 



On This Day In History

On this day in History 152 years ago General Robert E. Lee gave the order for one last charge at Gettysburg. This charge was under the command of General George Pickett and would take the Confederate Army up to  Cemetery Ridge to face the Union, under the command of General George Meade.  If you google this day you will get the basic facts about it, but having been to Gettysburg two years ago for the 150th anniversary, I have a little more insight into what that day was like and I want to share it with you.

July 3, 1863

After two days of hard fought battle, General Lee decided to attack the Union middle with a group of 15,000 men. These men would be under the command of General George Pickett. The goal was to attack the middle of the Yankee line, therefore splitting them up and making it easier to win. The day dawned and those Confederates were ready. According to multiple journal entries, of Union soldiers, this is what they saw.

We looked down from Cemetery Ridge to see a large number of Confederates ready to battle. As we watched these men begin to form a line. The stood shoulder to shoulder a mile wide, armed and ready to fight. All at once a yell pierced through the air and the charge began. It was such a sight that we just stood and watched. To see all those men, with no fear of what was to come, just ready to fight for what they believed in, for their South. It was a sight to see.



Of course at the end of the day the Confederates were not able to defeat the Union and General Lee headed back to Virginia on July 4th. In the end over 50,000 men had been lost to death, wounded or disappeared. It was the hardest and harshest battle of the War. My 3X great grandfather, Peter Hicks was wounded in battle on the first day and was kept as a prisoner in a Yankee prison in Maryland until he was released. My 2x great grandfather, James Tilley, was at Gettysburg for the entire battle and was part of Pickett's charge on that final day. I am so very proud of my Confederate Ancestry and always will be.

"That's my 'two-cents worth, what's yours?"

When the body betrays

I touched on this topic in an earlier blog post, but just felt that it needed it's own posting, so here we go.

In the Fall of 2013, I was diagnosed with a condition. A condition that I had heard of only once before. A condition that doesn't effect me all the time. A condition entirely linked to pregnancy.  As most of my readers know in August of 2010 I had my first miscarriage (little August), May of 2011 the second (little Kate) and June 24th of 2013 the third (little Quinn).  It would be after the third  that blood work would reveal that I had a  blood clotting disorder.  Basically what happens is that when I am not pregnant my blood is normal, but when I get pregnant that is when the trouble starts. My blood gets to thick and can not make its way through the placenta to the baby, resulting in my baby not receiving the nourishment it needs to survive.

All that means is that my body starves my babies. 

I know that sounds harsh, but that is basically what is going on, my body is betraying me.

Do you have any idea how that feels?  As a woman I am supposed to be able to carry and nurture the growing baby inside of me, but my body just refuses to do it's job.  I wanted answers after each loss. I felt in some way responsible and I wanted to know that I wasn't. After finding out what was going on, I feel more responsible than ever.  Loss is hard, multiple loss is even harder, but feeling responsible for each loss is the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

Deep down I know that the miscarriages were not my fault. I know that it was not under my control. I know that I had no idea what to do that could have prevented it. Now I know there are things that could have helped and maybe prevented the losses, but at the time I had no clue about what was going on. Even knowing all of that now, I still have moments when the guilt weighs so heavy on me. It is during these times I find it difficult to breathe and all I can do is cry.  Some days are worse than others.  I suspect that I will carry around this feeling forever. I don't' think it will ever truly go away, but hopefully as time goes on it will get better.  When I am having one of those days (like today), I just have to remind myself that God had a reason for taking each of those little ones to Heaven. I don't understand it, but just knowing they are safe and happy makes the grieving a little bit easier.

It is not always easy to talk about such topics. Maybe there is someone out there who is dealing with the same thing I have. I want this post to help others and hopefully due to the writing, it will help me too. You see, I still find most people are not willing to listen, unless they have been through the same thing.  I long for the day when we can talk about miscarriage openly and let others know that how they feel, what they are going through, all the things happening to them are normal.  That each life does matter, if it lasted 100 years or 10 days, they all matter.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!!

Can I just say that I feel so overwhelmed!! I just feel like I am in an eternal valley, I can see the mountains up ahead, but I just can't seem to ever make it to them. It is like every time I feel like I am getting my footing again, I get the floor jerked out from under me and down I go!!

What an interesting way to start a blog post, right? I just really need a chance to vent. I mean I am sure that at least some of my readers have felt the same way, like it just seems that one thing after another falls on them?

I recently had a conversation with a friend. We were talking about a medical issue that has come up in my family. She was asking me how this person was feeling and I was updating her on what was going on. We then got to talking about how so many things are always happening to people, more some than others, when she said, "I believe God only gives the most difficult battles to his strongest soldiers."  She said it as an encouragement and I have to say that it was.  I often feel like our family has really been "put through the ringer" so to speak.  It just seems as if every time the phone rings it is some more "bad" news.  In fact, I often feeling like just letting the phone ring. I just don't even want to answer and find out what is waiting at the other end of the line.

It is easy to say have faith, that all things have a purpose, that God has a plan in what is going on when it is not you things are happening to. I find that when you have to wear those shoes, it makes a huge difference in how you see things.  It will also make you see that those comments are not always welcome. Are they true, yes, but not always what you need to hear at the time.  I can think back to so many things that people have said to me trying to be helpful, when in fact they were being hurtful. Oh, they didn't mean to be, they had just never experienced anything like it before.  I think sometimes it is better to just say I'm sorry/I'm praying for you and go on.  We don't have to try and justify what has happened/is happening with our comments. 

I know that each new day will bring its own set of circumstances, some good/some bad, and that all I can do is to take them and deal the best I can.  Some days that may mean all I can do is cry, others I may be able to function and get through the day in one piece.  We all have different ways of dealing with things, I find that just having something to laugh at each day helps me. To find the humor in something is my stress relief and helps make each day more bearable.

I know we all have times we feel overwhelmed, that is just life, but we can find ways to help us deal with each problem. 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Is it really Happily Ever After?



The other day I was thinking back to when my 9 year old was about 3 and we were reading a book about Cinderella and the end said, "And they lived happily ever after." My daughter looked at me and said, "Mama, do you know why they lived happily ever after? Them didn't have no children.".  Of course we thought this was absolutely hilarious and realized that in no princess story ever has a child made an appearance. Now 6 years later and we still laugh about her observation.      

 

As it normally does when I think about one thing something else will come to mind, which leads me to a whole idea swimming around in my head.  I begin to think about what Happily ever after means and if in fact it does exist.

 

According to http://dictionary.reference.com the phrase means: 

Spend the rest of one's life in happiness, as in In her romantic novels the hero and heroine end up marrying and then live happily ever after. This hyperbolic phrase ends many fairy tales. [Mid-1800s ]

 

Now that we see what the dictionary has to say, I think we can all agree that is what we thought the phrase meant. I know as a little girl I dreamed of my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armor sweeping me off my feet. I imagined a life full of happiness and joy. A home with my husband, children and a dog. I imagined that everything would be peachy king and that all would always be happy and joyful.

 

 Can I just say that married life was a bit of a shock!!

 

 

I am not trying to say that I am not happy, I am very happy in my marriage and my life.  What I am saying is that the fairy tale life I always dreamed off is in fact that, a fairy tale. There is no such thing as a life with only joy and happiness, that type of life is only a dream.  Life is full trouble anyway and when you marry/have a family that gives you more people with problems.  There will always be ups and downs, like a roller coaster and we have just have to hang on and try our best to enjoy the ride.

I think that some young people marry, expect everything to be perfect and when trouble comes up they just don't know how to handle it.  

 

We go through so much in life, more as we get older and closer to others.  Marriage does add it's set of problems, but also gives us someone to go through those problems with. The last five years of my marriage have been clouded with difficulties; sickness, sorrow, grief. My husband and I have had to deal with so much and at one point I thought we were not going to make it. In fact a lesser man, one who just couldn't handle my depression, would have left me, but he didn't. He stuck it out, loved me, supported me and prayed for me.  I guess he really has been my "Knight in shining armor".

 

 

 

 

Fairy tale marriages do not exist, but we can and have to work to make our marriages as happy as possible. When it comes to the ending of those fairy tale stories, I guess what we should actually say is, "And they lived Happily Ever After, (for the most part.)".

 

 







"That's 'my two cents worth', what's yours?