The woman I will never be (again)

I am sure y'all are wondering what I mean by the woman I will never be (again). I will just go ahead and tell you she is who I once was, but will never be "again".  She is the woman who as a child always thought everything would be right with the world. She is the woman who as a teenager made her list of mistakes, dated way too many frogs, but still felt that all would work out for her.  Let me go ahead and confess to you that girl was a fool as so many of us are during our early years.

As I look back over my past mistakes and failures I wonder how in the world I ever made it this far. Of course, the answer to that question is obvious, it was God. The Lord looked after me even when I was doing stupid things and keep me safe to bring me to this point.  It is not just the mistakes I have made that have changed me, but also the circumstances of life.  I do not understand it all and I most likely never will.  It is unreasonable to believe that a person could go through so many tragic events in life and not be changed. 

Each morning as I look in the mirror I see a woman who of course is not the young girl she used to be. Time has changed my appearance as it does to all of us. I realize that each little crinkle around my eyes, each little laugh line represents a time in my life when I was smiling and laughing. Those are good memories for me and I am trying to learn to embrace that. Trust me, getting older is not easy.

It is not just my physical appearance in the mirror that has changed, when I look into my own eyes I see the difference inside. I would like to say that life has made me a more gentle person, but that is not always true. The world has made me cynical to others. I often wonder if they are truthful about their lives or are they just looking for a quick hand out.  Maybe it is just that the world itselfs has gotten so much worse, I am not sure, but I would say that life has made me "hard". 

The old saying of "when life hands you lemons make lemonade", sounds good, but is often an unreasonable request. I prefer the, "Life dealt me a hand and now I have to play it." saying.  I know that there have been more good times than bad, but the bad just sticks out more. It is most likely just because their bad that causes this.


There are still times that life surprises me.  A quick message, call or text from a friend to say they are thinking of me. A card or package in the mail to show that someone cares. These are the times that remind me that I still have a capacity to be compassionate. That when I feel the nudging from the Lord to send someone a text or card, that means they are in need. I know that if I pray and seek his will, God will help me to be a little more like my old self each day.  I know I will never be that cockeyed optimist I once was, "life" has made certain of that,  but I can still live each day trying to find the beauty and love around me and looking for ways to show God's love to others in this world.


                                              "That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"