October Challenge

At first I had no idea what to do for this month, but then I became part of a photo a day challenge. I wanted to take this post to share just some of my pictures, what they mean and how this challenge affected me.

This project took place in October in honor of Pregnancy/Infant Loss Awareness month.  Each day we captured our grief by taking and posting a picture based on the theme for that day, below are just a few of my pictures.

Capture your Grief Day 4 Light/Dark: The Dark: The days after each loss were so dark. My emotions were dark, my life was dark. I was angry! I became a victim of my grief. I was bitter and jealous. Guilt was always with me. I felt alone and scared. I felt responsible. Then came the light: I began to heal. I learned that I would never understand. I realized there were so many others like me. I admit some days the dark still creeps in, but I look to the light to drive it away. I look to the hope of seeing my precious babies again someday. 

 Capture your Grief Day 6 Books: I read several books from the hospital and from friends after each loss, but I can say that my Bible was the greatest help to me. There were days that I read and would not glean anything, but how wonderful were the days that I would open my mind to glean from his word. What comfort I found and still find to help on this journey.

 Capture your Grief Day7: Memory: It seems strange that this flower is my memory, but the story is mine. After each loss this Butterfly Bush had blooms. Sometimes many, sometimes only one. I remember looking at the beautiful purple blooms and wondering how something could still be so beautiful when my world had turned so ugly? Even now to look at it reminds me of those darkest days, but it also serves to remind me of how far I've come and to just keep pressing forward.

 Capture your Grief Day 3: In Honor. These are three small pictures frames each containing the name of one of my three babies. I keep them displayed as a way to honor them. I have no pictures of them or any of their belongings. Having these small frames shows others that my babies mattered, that they are loved and remembered and a very important part of our family.

 Capture your Grief Day 8: Wish List: My wish is that my story, with all its hurt and sorrow will help others. My wish is that my heartache will one day bring comfort, hope and peace to someone else.

Capture your Grief Day 18- Seasons: Winter is the season that most reminds me of my losses. Not only is it a cold and harsh time, it is also the season that each of my lost babies would have been born. I so looked forward to each of their births knowing it would bring light and happiness into our world, but those times did not come. 

I have to admit that this was a very difficult challenge for me. I was forced to face somethings that I did not want to. I was faced with a topic that was very painful to deal with.   I wish that I could tell you that I completed this task, that I was able to post everyday, but I was not.  It seemed that the deeper I dug into my grief, the more difficult the days became. I think of my babies everyday, there is not a day that goes by without them being in my mind, but this challenge brought up all the grief that my heart contains.

Dealing with grief is not easy, even when surrounded by people who support and love you, but it seems that most think I should not be bothered anymore.  That I should just be able to live each day without feeling sadness, but that is just not true. I wonder which of their children they could lose and not feel that for the rest of their lives? The answer, none of them.

Maybe I should have just continued on with this, it may have been beneficial in ways I can not see, but my heart just couldn't take the pressure. Maybe in the years to come I will be in a place where I can do this, but not right now.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's your's?"