Who am I?

It came to my attention the other night as I was praying at church, that I carry a lot of titles. You might wonder how did that thought occur to me in prayer?  I was praying that the Lord would help me in all the areas of my life and I started to list those off and I was amazed at all the different titles I carry. So, I decided to write this post on that subject, to take a look at each of those titles and how important each one is.

1. I am a Christian: The word Christian means, "to be Christ like".  I know that I will never be perfect as Christ was, but I am to live my life in a way that would be pleasing in his eyes.  I should not strive to please the people of this world, but should do all that I can to please my Lord in Heaven. 

2. I am a wife: I love being a wife. I enjoy the companionship that my husband and I share. We look after one another and he takes very good care of me. I try to make sure that I fit the biblical view of wife by being a submissive one. That in no way means I am a door mat, as so many "liberated" women of today think. It simply means that we are together in our marriage and that I show him the respect due him. He is good to me, so in return I am good to him. Marriage is not 50/50 as I have been told all my life, but 100/100. You both have to give all of yourselves to make it work.

3. I am a mother: The most rewarding title I bear is that of mother.  I feel so blessed to be the mother of 5 precious children.  I have only gotten the chance to hold and love two of them, the other three passed away during pregnancy, but each of them is precious to me and loved tremendously. Am I always perfect at this job, no way, but I do try my best. I think I might have learned a few things over the last almost 15 years of being a mother, but I still have many things to experience. Motherhood is very difficult, but the rewards are amazing.

4. I am a daughter: I guess being the baby of my family and the only girl kind of makes me special. I am normally the one my parents turn to if they need something. I love helping them out, but sometimes it can be extremely difficult.  I am learning lots of new things as they get older, like Medicare enrollment for one thing. I mean why does it have to be so stinking difficult to sign up for government insurance? I think the answer to that question is in the question. (Government)  I am glad that I get to be there to help them when they need me. I remember telling them once that they had better be nice to me, I was going to be picking their nursing home. (HaHaHa!)

5. I am a sister: I most likely have two of the meanest brothers this side of the Atlantic Ocean. They used to torture me and just be flat out evil when I was a little girl. They are eight and six years older than me and I was an unwelcome addition to their family.  We get along really well now and I am thankful that I get to be their sister, even if they do drive me batty at times. I do wish that I would have been able to have a sister growing up, but that just was not meant to be. Thankfully God gave me two wonderful sister-in-laws to fill that empty space that I had.

6.I am a Daughter-in-law: I know that everyone reading this with in-laws knows that sometimes it is not so easy to get along with them. They can be very judgmental and give you a really hard time. Sometimes the things they say can be hurtful and you just have to walk away.  I know that feeling, but still you do have times when you get along and everything is well. Enjoy those times, they can be few and far between. 

7. I am a friend: I try to always be there when my friends need me. It may be just a simple text with something on their minds or a long phone call.  The Bible says in  Proverbs 18:24a (KJV), "A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly:....".  I try to be friendly to everyone. There are days that I just don't feel it and let's be honest, there are some people you just have a hard time being friendly to. I still try to make the effort even if they do not, the bad will be on them not me. 

8. I am Tink: This is a title I carry that means so much to me. I have this little girl that came into my life a little of two years ago. She stays with me while her mommy works and has been since she was about 10 weeks old. She calls me Tink. She says I am her Tink and she loves me. I would never have thought it possible to love a child that was not mine as much as my own, but I do. She is a constant source of laughter and always keeps me on my toes. I do not know what I would do without her.

9. I am an American: This title is one that I love. Oh how thankful I am that my ancestors decided so many years ago to come to this new land.  I think of them often and the long voyage across the ocean. I wonder how difficult it must have been and how they felt leaving their homelands behind.  I am also extremely grateful that when they arrived here they went south instead of north. I like my warm weather and am not cut out for winter.   Last month we had the opportunity to travel to the Normandy part of France. It was so amazing to see that part of the world. It was even more amazing to know that I have ancestors who left there and went to England many centuries ago. My sister-in-law traveled to London and was able to bring me back a small sample of English soil. I almost cried, I had a piece of my mother land. It made me feel very even more connected to my ancestry. I am glad to know where I came from, but even more glad to live in America. She may not always do what is right, but she is home and always will be.

10. I am Me: All these things combine together to make me the unique, wonderful and special person that I am today. Each person involved in these titles of me have helped to shape who I am.  I pray each day that I am the best at each of these I can be and that I don't allow my failures to dictate who I am.

There is a title that I no longer carry, but miss terribly and that is grand daughter.  All of my grandparents have passed away and I miss each of them something awful.  I miss their encouragement and advice. I miss all the stories they used to tell.  I miss just being around them and learning from them.  I miss kisses on the jaw and hugs that were always squeezy. I miss times of talking and of just sitting in the quiet. Cherish every moment you have with those you love because one day it will just be memories that you have.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

The woman I will never be (again)

I am sure y'all are wondering what I mean by the woman I will never be (again). I will just go ahead and tell you she is who I once was, but will never be "again".  She is the woman who as a child always thought everything would be right with the world. She is the woman who as a teenager made her list of mistakes, dated way too many frogs, but still felt that all would work out for her.  Let me go ahead and confess to you that girl was a fool as so many of us are during our early years.

As I look back over my past mistakes and failures I wonder how in the world I ever made it this far. Of course, the answer to that question is obvious, it was God. The Lord looked after me even when I was doing stupid things and keep me safe to bring me to this point.  It is not just the mistakes I have made that have changed me, but also the circumstances of life.  I do not understand it all and I most likely never will.  It is unreasonable to believe that a person could go through so many tragic events in life and not be changed. 

Each morning as I look in the mirror I see a woman who of course is not the young girl she used to be. Time has changed my appearance as it does to all of us. I realize that each little crinkle around my eyes, each little laugh line represents a time in my life when I was smiling and laughing. Those are good memories for me and I am trying to learn to embrace that. Trust me, getting older is not easy.

It is not just my physical appearance in the mirror that has changed, when I look into my own eyes I see the difference inside. I would like to say that life has made me a more gentle person, but that is not always true. The world has made me cynical to others. I often wonder if they are truthful about their lives or are they just looking for a quick hand out.  Maybe it is just that the world itselfs has gotten so much worse, I am not sure, but I would say that life has made me "hard". 

The old saying of "when life hands you lemons make lemonade", sounds good, but is often an unreasonable request. I prefer the, "Life dealt me a hand and now I have to play it." saying.  I know that there have been more good times than bad, but the bad just sticks out more. It is most likely just because their bad that causes this.


There are still times that life surprises me.  A quick message, call or text from a friend to say they are thinking of me. A card or package in the mail to show that someone cares. These are the times that remind me that I still have a capacity to be compassionate. That when I feel the nudging from the Lord to send someone a text or card, that means they are in need. I know that if I pray and seek his will, God will help me to be a little more like my old self each day.  I know I will never be that cockeyed optimist I once was, "life" has made certain of that,  but I can still live each day trying to find the beauty and love around me and looking for ways to show God's love to others in this world.


                                              "That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Our Make-A-Wish Journey

Most of you know that last August our oldest daughter was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a type of blood cancer that attacks the lymphatic system of the body, including the spleen and bone marrow. Her cancer was stage 3s when they found it, the "s" meaning it was in her spleen, only slightly.  Her prognosis was very good and she started her first round of chemo that same month.  I also gave her name to the Make-A-Wish foundation not knowing if she would even get approved. Well, she did and last October they came out to our house to discuss the process and her wish.  My daughter ask me what should I wish for and I told her the one thing she wanted most in the world. So, she wished for a trip to Paris. Yes, you read that right, Paris. As in Paris France, all the way across the ocean on another continent Paris. I figured that it would never happen and that she would get her back up wish. That one was to go to Hawaii and take surfing lessons with Bethany Hamilton (my girls both just love her). Anyway, Make-A-Wish explained to us that it could take up to 18 months to get the final confirmation for the trip and to actually get to go.

In March of this year they called us to confirm that the trip had been granted and they were working out the details. Two weeks later we had the money to take care of our passports and got our part of the details started. Our passports arrived in July and we got the final notice that we were heading to Paris in October. Exactly one year after their first visit to our home we were off and running to Paris. When they called to tell us they were as surprised by how quickly it all came together as we were. In fact the volunteer we spoke to, told us it hardly ever happens that fast and we had some one much higher working for us. Yes, we did!

I must admit I was  a little nervous traveling internationally. It was not the flight or anything that made me feel that way, it was the state of the world itself. I mean we are dealing with terrorist threats, ISIS be-headings and Ebola.  I just had to put my worry aside and depend on the Lord to look after us.  I was driving to pick up my kids from school one day right before the trip and I was praying about the whole situation. I really needed the Lord to give me some peace and right in the middle of my prayer it was as if God had spoken right out loud to me. I heard him say, "Did you ever stop to think I may be sending you now because it is going to get so much worse later on and I want you to be able to do this?".  To hear the still small voice of God speaking to me made me stop and look at it all different and it gave me such peace about our trip.

Anyway, the trip was awesome and I am so glad we had this amazing opportunity. I hate the circumstances we got it through. No parent would ever want to get something like this because of your child being sick, but I am thankful to Make-A-Wish and other organizations like them that do all they can to make a child's ultimate wish come true.

I would ask you right now if you have thought about donating to them and haven't or have never thought about it at all, please reconsider.  My daughter is doing great and goes back for her year check-up this month, but this trip meant the world to her.  There are so many other children that a wish would mean everything to them and their families.  You can call any Make-A-Wish organization around the world, you can not only donate money, but also your time to help other wish families like ours.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Taking the steps they never will

This weekend marks our fourth time joining other families at the Hearststrings Walk to Remember. Each year this walk is held the second Saturday of October in memory and to honor those babies loss to miscarriage and that have passed away before their first birthdays. It is a very emotional time for all the families that are affected.  I looked forward to the chance to honor my little ones, but I still dread it in a way. I know that probably sounds horrible to say. Why would I dread getting the chance to participate in something like that?  Well, because it just brings everything to the forefront of my mind.  The grief of it all is always there, buried just below the surface waiting for any little thing to bring it lurching forward. It could be a sight or sound and it could be a simple statement made by someone else. There are a number of things that have this affect one me. I am often asked if I would like to hold peoples little ones. To be honest the answer is no, I would not like to, but I can't say that,  at least not out loud.  I just say yes, hold the baby, give it back and cry when I am out of their presence.  So you see now why in a  way I dread the walk. We missed last year when our oldest was battling her cancer, but this year we will be attending, rain or shine. We will go, wear our homemade Team Ellis 3 t-shirts and take the steps for our babies that they never got to take on this earth. It will be an emotional morning, I know there will be tears and sadness, but I will have the Lord there with me and as always he will help me. I will lean on his comforting arm and on the arm of my husband as we celebrate the short, but very important lives of each of our babies.

August Ellis 8/10/10 7 weeks 

Katherine "Kate" Ellis 5/4/11 5 weeks

Quinn Ellis 6/24/13 12 weeks

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

The Masterpiece

I just now realized that it has been 7 weeks, yes 7 weeks, since I have written a blog. I can hardly fathom that idea. I mean, really? It seems like I was just sitting here at my ancient desktop (still my preferred method of computing) writing my last blog post. I guess that time went by way to quickly.  I am always amazed at how fast time does seem to move and it seems the older I get the faster time goes. The last couple of months have been chaotic!! We got some most excellent news (my Bill and Ted reference) a few weeks ago and have been in overdrive trying to get lots of things accomplished.  I will tell you all about that later on. :)  I was just sitting here with a few minutes of break time, waiting for the oven to pre-heat so I can cook those amazing frozen pizzas for supper. I know what your thinking, but don't judge, all us moms pull out the frozen food at some point, not everything can be homemade.  Anyway, I decided to take a look at when I wrote my last blog only to discover I have been really slack. I don't have anything in particular to blog about. I feel sort of out of it this time of year. It is when we begin our busy season, between family pictures, activities at church, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas coming up, it seems as if September to the end of the year makes our home a mad house.  I think about how my mom never seemed stressed out at all by all the important details that had to be taking care of to make the Holidays just right. I mean that woman worked 40+ hours a week and still managed to get it all taking care of. I'm a stay at home mom and I still feel stressed at the end of the day. I go to bed sometimes so give out I feel like I need to crawl to bed instead of walk.  My kids are older and do lots of things for themselves, but I still feel so overwhelmed at times by it all. There always seems to be laundry to do, phone calls to make and errands to run. Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel always moving, but never going anywhere. Although the news we got was pretty awesome, it has really added to the stress level around me. I know that in the end it will all be worth it. Every moment, every little detail, every ounce of myself that I have to put into this news will be so worth it in the end. It is something that most likely will never happen to us as a family again and it is pretty exciting for us. On top of all of this I have been going back and forth to the doctor with some issues of my own and will hopefully find out some answers in the next week or so. I am sure all of it will become a blog topic.  The next few months are going to be wild, but I am going to try and blog about it as much as possible.  Yes,  I will admit I am a mess and this life of mine is a mess, but we are a beautiful mess. Myself and my life are Gods masterpiece, made just the way he intended us to be.

Ephesians 2:10King James Version 

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.

"That's my "two-cents worth", what's yours?"

The Worst Pain

After dinner today my fourteen year old asked me, "Mama, what is the worst pain you have ever felt?".  First off that question caught me off guard, I mean where did that even come from.  I wonder sometimes about the things that are going through the heads of my children.  Anyway, you would think a question like that would take some time to answer, but for me I instantly knew.  I could have said that it was the time I almost cut off my pinky toe (a story for another time) or I could have said childbirth (that was a pretty painful).  Instead, I immediately thought of and told her my worst pain ever was a broken heart.

My reasoning for that is the fact that a broken heart does not only hurt physically, but emotionally as well.  I dare to say that everyone reading this has at some point or other suffered from a broken heart and you can understand what I mean when I say that.  I remember how I hurt physically in my body. It felt as if I could not shake the ache that seemed to consume my entire being. I was unable to sleep or eat.  I remember going to bed and crying until I was able to  doze off, only to be awake just a couple of hours later.  I remember that my appetite was almost non-existent. I would eat only because people said I needed too, not because  I wanted too.  I remember that the emotional pain was almost unbearable. Those few precious hours of sleep would provide a short escape from the tears and turmoil that the mind faces.  I remember waking up and my broken heart being the first thing on my mind.  I write now in the past tense as if these things no longer take place. Let me clarify that is not so.  The physical pain is not as prominent as it once was. There are still days that I do not sleep or eat as I should. There are still days that I feel as if my entire  body aches.  These days are less and less as time goes forward.  The emotional pain still lingers, right under the surface, ready at any moment to show itself.  It may be a word or phrase, it could even be a sight or smell that brings it up.  I often dread leaving home to go grocery shopping, out to eat or even to church, because I never know when that pain may rise up in me.  All my life I have heard that time heals all wounds and often thought that was so not true, I felt like my wounds were never going to heal. Then one day  I read a quote and thought how very true and awfully correct it was.

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. ~Rose Kennedy

So if you see me out in the neighborhood and I look as if I have been crying or I am upset, just remember I still struggle with the worst pain I ever felt, my broken heart.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

 

 

 



Anniversaries: Some good, some bad

We have two major anniversaries that are hitting us this weekend. When you first hear the word anniversary I think that weddings are the thing that comes to mind.  People are always celebrating how many years they have been married and what that means to them.  I love celebrating the anniversary of my wedding. My husband and I just had our ninth anniversary and we are looking forward to our tenth (which we will be celebrating at Disney World next year). I was pondering over the word and decided to look it up. According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary the word anniversary means,

1:  the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event; broadly :  a date that follows such an event by a specified period of time measured in units other than years <the 6-month anniversary of the accident>

2:  the celebration of an anniversary 

As I got to thinking about the topic, I came to the realization that anniversaries are not always good.

I had been doing a lot of thinking yesterday and kept going back over my mind to August 8, 2013. That was the day that the doctor called me and told me the scariest thing I have ever heard, "Your 13 year old daughter has cancer.".   I was in shock, I just didn't want to believe that was what was wrong, but it was.  We made it, with the Lord by our sides, through all that chemo and time spent in the hospital and here we are one year later the stronger because of it.  I am not sure if yesterday was good or bad anniversary. I mean it was bad in the sense of the news we got, but I guess you could also look at as good. Why? Because it is a reminder of what happened and how good God has been in our daughter's life. He has healed her and continues to do so. Next week is her nine month check-up with her oncologist and we are hoping and praying for continued healing and good news.

The second anniversary that we have this weekend will be tomorrow. On August 10, 2010 I went to the doctor for a routine ultrasound with my third pregnancy. I had never had any major problems early in my pregnancies, but from the moment I got that positive result I just had a feeling something was not right.  That day would prove that my "feeling" was correct. The ultrasound revealed that our precious little baby's heart was not beating. I will never forget the intense pain of that news. We decided to name our little angel August. It means one of royal birth. I think it was a perfect choice since our baby was born straight into God's family. At first I seemed to be fine, but as the days went on my emotional and mental pain only worsened. It has been a long difficult journey, with two more miscarriages since the first. I continue to have my good days and my bad days. I know this is something I will never "get over", even though many people keep telling me I need to. It is those people that have no clue about what it feels like to be missing not only one, but three pieces of your heart. It is those people who think having babies is the easiest thing in the world. I can tell you with a certainty it is not. I always dread these loss anniversary dates, but I try to remind myself at each one that God had a plan and purpose for taking my babies on to heaven. Do I understand it? No. Will I ever understand it? No. Will it matter in the end? I don't believe so. I believe when I get to heaven and see my precious little ones for the first time that I will be so happy and joyful that I won't even care about the why.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"