Decisions: Life is full of them

I am sitting here on this rainy, cold Saturday morning trying to decide what topic to blog about.  As I watch my youngest coloring I am reminded of my childhood and all those Saturday morning cartoons. I was always the first one up. I wanted to beat my brothers to the TV so I could pick what we would watch. I think back to those childhood days when the most difficult decisions I had to make where what cereal to eat and what clothes to wear. 

As an adult we all have big decisions to make some are easy and some are really tough.  My husband and I had to make a very difficult decision a few weeks ago. I admit it was the hardest choice I have ever had to make. The decision brought up so many issues and heartbreaks.  I wish we were not facing this situation, but the truth is we are. It is not something we can just sit back and hope will fix itself, because it will not.  This was something that could not be swept away or ignored. 

Will our choice change our lives? Of course it will. Will we have days of wondering if we did the right thing? Most definitely! Will I have days of doubt and want to take it back? I'm sure I will. Will I regret my choice? I am sure there will be days that the thought will cross my mind. Was it the right thing to do? We believe it is, but only time will tell for sure. Is it best for us and our family? Who knows, we believe so, but again only time will tell. 

I know that as difficult as this choice has been for us, others have made even more difficult decisions in the past. Our decision was made after serious conversation with one another and after much prayer to God.  We wanted to make sure what we choose lined up with his word and would be what was right to do.  We wanted to make sure that what we did was God's will for our life and that we were not making a mistake.  

I am sure that we are going the right way. The decisions that are the most difficult deserve more thought and prayer. God wants only what is best for all of us. Sometimes his will does not mirror the life or plans that we have in mind. I know that God loves each of us and anything he does or allows to happen in our lives is in our best interest, even when it hurts and we don't understand. 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

My reflections of 9/11: Fourteen years later

The day was 9/11/2001. I was a student at our local community college and had a class later that day.  I decided to go to my Mama's that morning with my little girl, who was only 19 months at the time. I was helping my mom out, dusting the living room, when the news cut into the program that was on. The news crew was reporting that a plane had flown into one of the towers of the World Trade Center. I can see it now, just like I am watching it all over again. I saw that second plane on the right of the screen. I saw it crash into the second tower. I yelled out to my Mama about what I had just saw.  A short time later a third plane would crash into the Pentagon and then a fourth into a field in Shanksville Pennsylvania. I remember being so scared. I didn't know what was happening, I just knew we were under attack.  I had to leave that day and go to my college class. I remember kissing little Grace goodbye and crying all the way to school. I just wanted to stay home and be with her.  I knew that the America of my childhood was gone and that was such a sad feeling. I knew at that moment how the country felt when they got the news about Pearl Harbor in 1941. 

 

As I look back now, fourteen years later, I can also remember how united our country was. The Congress stood on the Capital building steps and sang "God Bless America". There was so much love for country and first responders. Patriotism was everywhere to be seen, flags were flying, people were pulling together and it seemed as if the country was one. People were flocking to churches  and looking for God like they had not done in years.  We had a President that stood up, took charge and lead our country. We showed the world that they may hit us, but they could not keep us down. We showed that American strength that helped us win our Independence.  The same strength that we leaned on after the attack on Pearl Harbor and during WWII. That American strength that had brought us through so much heartache and devastation.

As I sat here looking back I can't help but think about how our country is now,  I do not see that same country I did fourteen years ago.  Now I see a country that is more divided than I can ever remember. I see a country where people are being killed just for being a police officer. I see a country in which people are judged by the color of their skin and not by their character. I see a country where the citizens can only think of what is good for themselves. I see a country who has almost entirely turned her back on God. I see a country that calls good evil and evil good. I see a country that seems to no longer care about one another. The leader of our country now supports the very ones who attacked us. He is giving weapons to those same people. What is to keep them from attacking us again? Absolutely nothing. Fourteen years ago America was asleep, she was shocked awake by a tragic event,and now seems to slumber again.  It saddens me that I see my country in this condition and I wonder what will happen to us next. 

"That's 'my two cents worth', what's yours?"

Fall: My favorite season

I have been seeing lots of these memes about fall: what it means to people, how many days to different fall activities.

Here a some of the reasons fall is my favorite:

• The mornings/nights are just cool enough for sweaters, but the days are still just right for t-shirts. 
• The leaves change and show off all their beautiful colors.
• We take a little day trip up to the mountains to see all that beautiful fall foliage. 
• It is fair time!! We have a tradition of going to the fair with the kids. The kids love the rides, but us adults live for the food!
• Sitting around the fire pit roasting marshmallows while wrapped up in blankets.
• We take our annual family fall vacation. It is only for a few days,but we so look forward to the little break we get. (This year we are heading to the beach!)
• Our annual trip to the big flea market in Virginia for my husband and I. It is just one of our little trips for the two of us. 
• The return of all my favorite television shows: Once Upon a Time, Castle, Bones, there are just too many to name.
• Day trips as a family. This year we are attempting a visit to our local Renaissance Fair. 
• Family pictures are always made this time of year. 
• We go to the Make-A-Wish walk to raise money to help other children get their dream wish. 
• There is the annual shopping trip with my church ladies. 
• Thanksgiving!! I love spending time with family
• Veterans Day!

There are a two things about Fall that I don't look forward to:

• September brings the anniversary of my grandpa's death. It will be 4 years this year. 
• October brings the Walk to Remember. This day is difficult as we take the steps our precious babies never will. 

Overall Fall is my favorite season, even with the tears it brings. I look forward to this time of year and enjoy spending time with my family as the days get shorter and the nights get longer.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

August Challenge

I decided at the beginning of August that I was going to embark on a new challenge, the no make-up for a month challenge. Yes, you read that right, I was planning to go the whole month of August without wearing make-up.

I had several reasons for my decision to give this a try:

1. August is hot!!!
 Everyone knows that in the heat of summer, especially down south with the humidity, that your        make-up will just melt off your face. Now that's an image! I figured I wouldn't have to fight the      heat, it made perfect sense.  

2, August is emotional!
I knew that this month would be very emotional for me. It would be 5 years since my first miscarriage and our little August would be starting Prek if he had lived.  It would also be 2 years since my oldest daughter's cancer diagnosis and the beginning of that journey.  There were so many emotional ups and downs this month, I cried a lot and everyone knows tears and make-up don't mix.

3. I wanted to see if anyone would notice!!
I was wondering if anyone would actually pay attention to me. Do people really look at me? Do people really see me? All things that I wondered about.

4. I wanted to give my skin a break!
Let me just go ahead and admit that this wasn't really much of a challenge, but it was still kind of difficult. I normally only wear make-up on Sunday and Wednesday when I go to church. This month provided many times other than that when make-up would have normally been a must for me. Even so, I stuck to the challenge and learn something about myself and those around me.

After an entire month without wearing a smidgen of make-up I was able to test out my reasoning. The results are in and here they are:

1. My skin does look better!

2. I saved time each day!

3. I was comfortable in social situations that normally "require" make-up!!

4. No one even noticed!!!!


At first it was very difficult to not put on the make-up. I guess it was just my habit, but as the month went on it got easier. I have to say I was surprised that my family didn't see the difference. Of course, my husband prefers me au natural. Overall, I would say it was an enlighting experience, one that has helped me to see more beauty inside of myself. In fact, it was so much fun that I have decided each month until the end of 2015 to do a secret challenge, something only I am aware of. I am interested to see the results and if they really do make a difference.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', whats yours?"

Spontaneous Grief

Today I will be addressing an issue that plagues me very often. It is a condition that causes me to experience mental, emotional and physical sickness. I do not know if it in fact is a true medical diagnosis. If it is I have no idea what the medical name for it is. I have just decided to call it Spontaneous Grief.

Spontaneous Grief (which I will refer to as SG from here out) has the following characteristics:

1. It is sudden: SG is a sudden thing that happens. You may be going along about your day and all of a sudden there will be a trigger and that grief will hit you.

2. It can occur at any time, any place and in any situation: SG does not care about the time of day, where you are or the circumstance it will just show up. For me it happens mostly when I am at home or at church. I have had it hit me riding down the road and while shopping for groceries.

3. It has a trigger: A trigger is simply something that sets it off. Seeing an elderly man in bib overalls reminds me of my Pa Woody, smelling the scent of Vicks Vapo Rub sends me back to memories of my Grandma Eva, shucking corn and snapping beans reminds me of summers spent on my Granny Sadie's front porch working with her. These are all triggers that bring my loved ones back to the fore front of my mind, causing me at times to respond to them in grief. The worst for me are the things that trigger thoughts of our three babies in Heaven. Just the other day they were singing Happy Birthday to a little one in our church who was turning one. I just sat in the pew and cried. I was so hurt, not by the child having a birthday, but by the fact that I would never again celebrate a child of my owns first birthday.

4. It most often ends swiftly: As it comes upon you suddenly, it will also most often end swiftly, at least it does for me. It is almost like the grief is just under the surface, waiting for that trigger and then it is released. It seems as if it just needs to be let out, like a geyser that releases it's built up water and then stops.

5. It causes sickness of the body: I find that when I am hit with this grief it leaves me not only physically, but emotionally and mentally drained. I experience fatigue, dizziness and most often nausea. As SG for me is quick, the after effects vary. The physical sickness is swiftly over, but the emotional and mental effects can take several hours to overcome.

I don't know how many of you out there can understand or sympathize with this post. I am not writing it for people to feel sorry for me or to make it seem as if I am looking for pity. I am simply writing it as a means to deal with my own journey and to hopefully help someone else as they travel their own path.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Where is your Treasure?

Matthew 6:21(KJV)

 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

The other night during church our pastor was preaching and he brought out this verse. He said, "That we should focus on having treasure in heaven and not trying to keep up with our neighbors. All that means is that we should not put so much emphasis on material things, but put it on heavenly things. Of course having things is not bad. We all must have shelter, clothing, food, etc., these are all necessary things, but it still got my brain to pondering. 

It got me to thinking, "Where is my treasure?".  

Before I could answer that I had to answer this question, "What is my treasure?".  

I immediately thought about my husband, my children, my family.  I think it may be hard to understand how people can be treasures, but they are.  I can not imagine my life without them and I hope and pray that we are all together someday in Heaven. A small part of my treasure is already there, my grandparents, 3 children and extended family. Some I knew for my whole life and some I never even got the chance to meet. 

I have other treasures in Heaven. I hope to meet those who I have been an positive influence on, those who I was able to show the love of Christ too. I can not wait to meet those who were saved and went on years before me. Most of all I looked forward to meeting Jesus, for he is the greatest treasure in all the world. 

I have to admit there are times that I get bogged down by all the stuff in life and I lose focus of the really important things. I start to put to much emphasis on material things. It is at these times I have to step back and remind myself that our material belongings will someday rot and fade away, but the things we have in heaven are forever. 

Maybe it is time for all of us to answer the questions, "What is my treasure?". "Where is my treasure?". By doing so, perhaps just maybe, we can get a new perspective of our own lives and the things that really matter. 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

It's only a cup, bowl and a plate

It was something that was bought several years ago as a Christmas gift for someone. I ended up keeping it, I found something that I liked better for the gift. I never did really have anyone to give it to, so I decided to keep it for myself. My husband and I had decided to have another baby, we were hoping and praying for a boy and it was a perfect thing to hang on to.

So recently I was doing what I call my summer purging of my house, it is an annual event where we clean out the entire house and get rid of stuff we do not need. During this cleaning I came across this little dinner set.  It took me back to the day I bought it and what I had kept it for. I decided at that moment to give it away. I know a little boy that it would be perfect for, so I was going to take it to him.  I put it into my bag so I could drop it off to him sometime during the next few days. I had every intention of it leaving my house.

Well the day came that I would be seeing him, I picked up my tote bag and was heading out the door when the feeling hit. I like to call it spontaneous grief (a topic for another post).  A short definition is grief that can come upon you at any time, in any place.

At that moment I couldn't move or think beyond my grief. I started to think about how that little set was meant for my baby and no one else's and the tears just came. I slowly turned around, removed the set from my bag and placed it in the laundry room cabinet with the other items I have not been able to part with.  I felt bad for not giving him the set, but at the same time I knew I just was not ready.

I am sure that most people will not understand. I guess the only way you could is if you had been in my situation. I hope and pray that you my readers, never are.

Having another baby has been a dream of mine for the last five years, unfortunately for us that has been one dream that has not come true. We have been through so many different things and tried to make that dream a reality, but I guess that is the thing about dreams, they don't always happen.

I know that eventually I will get rid of the few remaining "baby" things that I have. It will not be easy, but it will happen. For right now I am taking the advice of many who have gone before me, "Be gentle with yourself. Grief is a raw emotion that can not be controlled. You will know when the time is right for you. Give yourself that time."

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"