This weekend marks our fourth time joining other families at the Hearststrings Walk to Remember. Each year this walk is held the second Saturday of October in memory and to honor those babies loss to miscarriage and that have passed away before their first birthdays. It is a very emotional time for all the families that are affected. I looked forward to the chance to honor my little ones, but I still dread it in a way. I know that probably sounds horrible to say. Why would I dread getting the chance to participate in something like that? Well, because it just brings everything to the forefront of my mind. The grief of it all is always there, buried just below the surface waiting for any little thing to bring it lurching forward. It could be a sight or sound and it could be a simple statement made by someone else. There are a number of things that have this affect one me. I am often asked if I would like to hold peoples little ones. To be honest the answer is no, I would not like to, but I can't say that, at least not out loud. I just say yes, hold the baby, give it back and cry when I am out of their presence. So you see now why in a way I dread the walk. We missed last year when our oldest was battling her cancer, but this year we will be attending, rain or shine. We will go, wear our homemade Team Ellis 3 t-shirts and take the steps for our babies that they never got to take on this earth. It will be an emotional morning, I know there will be tears and sadness, but I will have the Lord there with me and as always he will help me. I will lean on his comforting arm and on the arm of my husband as we celebrate the short, but very important lives of each of our babies.
I just now realized that it has been 7 weeks, yes 7 weeks, since I have written a blog. I can hardly fathom that idea. I mean, really? It seems like I was just sitting here at my ancient desktop (still my preferred method of computing) writing my last blog post. I guess that time went by way to quickly. I am always amazed at how fast time does seem to move and it seems the older I get the faster time goes. The last couple of months have been chaotic!! We got some most excellent news (my Bill and Ted reference) a few weeks ago and have been in overdrive trying to get lots of things accomplished. I will tell you all about that later on. :) I was just sitting here with a few minutes of break time, waiting for the oven to pre-heat so I can cook those amazing frozen pizzas for supper. I know what your thinking, but don't judge, all us moms pull out the frozen food at some point, not everything can be homemade. Anyway, I decided to take a look at when I wrote my last blog only to discover I have been really slack. I don't have anything in particular to blog about. I feel sort of out of it this time of year. It is when we begin our busy season, between family pictures, activities at church, Thanksgiving and of course Christmas coming up, it seems as if September to the end of the year makes our home a mad house. I think about how my mom never seemed stressed out at all by all the important details that had to be taking care of to make the Holidays just right. I mean that woman worked 40+ hours a week and still managed to get it all taking care of. I'm a stay at home mom and I still feel stressed at the end of the day. I go to bed sometimes so give out I feel like I need to crawl to bed instead of walk. My kids are older and do lots of things for themselves, but I still feel so overwhelmed at times by it all. There always seems to be laundry to do, phone calls to make and errands to run. Sometimes I feel like a hamster in a wheel always moving, but never going anywhere. Although the news we got was pretty awesome, it has really added to the stress level around me. I know that in the end it will all be worth it. Every moment, every little detail, every ounce of myself that I have to put into this news will be so worth it in the end. It is something that most likely will never happen to us as a family again and it is pretty exciting for us. On top of all of this I have been going back and forth to the doctor with some issues of my own and will hopefully find out some answers in the next week or so. I am sure all of it will become a blog topic. The next few months are going to be wild, but I am going to try and blog about it as much as possible. Yes, I will admit I am a mess and this life of mine is a mess, but we are a beautiful mess. Myself and my life are Gods masterpiece, made just the way he intended us to be.
Ephesians 2:10King James Version
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them.