Wednesday, June 24, 2015

When the body betrays

I touched on this topic in an earlier blog post, but just felt that it needed it's own posting, so here we go.

In the Fall of 2013, I was diagnosed with a condition. A condition that I had heard of only once before. A condition that doesn't effect me all the time. A condition entirely linked to pregnancy.  As most of my readers know in August of 2010 I had my first miscarriage (little August), May of 2011 the second (little Kate) and June 24th of 2013 the third (little Quinn).  It would be after the third  that blood work would reveal that I had a  blood clotting disorder.  Basically what happens is that when I am not pregnant my blood is normal, but when I get pregnant that is when the trouble starts. My blood gets to thick and can not make its way through the placenta to the baby, resulting in my baby not receiving the nourishment it needs to survive.

All that means is that my body starves my babies. 

I know that sounds harsh, but that is basically what is going on, my body is betraying me.

Do you have any idea how that feels?  As a woman I am supposed to be able to carry and nurture the growing baby inside of me, but my body just refuses to do it's job.  I wanted answers after each loss. I felt in some way responsible and I wanted to know that I wasn't. After finding out what was going on, I feel more responsible than ever.  Loss is hard, multiple loss is even harder, but feeling responsible for each loss is the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

Deep down I know that the miscarriages were not my fault. I know that it was not under my control. I know that I had no idea what to do that could have prevented it. Now I know there are things that could have helped and maybe prevented the losses, but at the time I had no clue about what was going on. Even knowing all of that now, I still have moments when the guilt weighs so heavy on me. It is during these times I find it difficult to breathe and all I can do is cry.  Some days are worse than others.  I suspect that I will carry around this feeling forever. I don't' think it will ever truly go away, but hopefully as time goes on it will get better.  When I am having one of those days (like today), I just have to remind myself that God had a reason for taking each of those little ones to Heaven. I don't understand it, but just knowing they are safe and happy makes the grieving a little bit easier.

It is not always easy to talk about such topics. Maybe there is someone out there who is dealing with the same thing I have. I want this post to help others and hopefully due to the writing, it will help me too. You see, I still find most people are not willing to listen, unless they have been through the same thing.  I long for the day when we can talk about miscarriage openly and let others know that how they feel, what they are going through, all the things happening to them are normal.  That each life does matter, if it lasted 100 years or 10 days, they all matter.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!!

Can I just say that I feel so overwhelmed!! I just feel like I am in an eternal valley, I can see the mountains up ahead, but I just can't seem to ever make it to them. It is like every time I feel like I am getting my footing again, I get the floor jerked out from under me and down I go!!

What an interesting way to start a blog post, right? I just really need a chance to vent. I mean I am sure that at least some of my readers have felt the same way, like it just seems that one thing after another falls on them?

I recently had a conversation with a friend. We were talking about a medical issue that has come up in my family. She was asking me how this person was feeling and I was updating her on what was going on. We then got to talking about how so many things are always happening to people, more some than others, when she said, "I believe God only gives the most difficult battles to his strongest soldiers."  She said it as an encouragement and I have to say that it was.  I often feel like our family has really been "put through the ringer" so to speak.  It just seems as if every time the phone rings it is some more "bad" news.  In fact, I often feeling like just letting the phone ring. I just don't even want to answer and find out what is waiting at the other end of the line.

It is easy to say have faith, that all things have a purpose, that God has a plan in what is going on when it is not you things are happening to. I find that when you have to wear those shoes, it makes a huge difference in how you see things.  It will also make you see that those comments are not always welcome. Are they true, yes, but not always what you need to hear at the time.  I can think back to so many things that people have said to me trying to be helpful, when in fact they were being hurtful. Oh, they didn't mean to be, they had just never experienced anything like it before.  I think sometimes it is better to just say I'm sorry/I'm praying for you and go on.  We don't have to try and justify what has happened/is happening with our comments. 

I know that each new day will bring its own set of circumstances, some good/some bad, and that all I can do is to take them and deal the best I can.  Some days that may mean all I can do is cry, others I may be able to function and get through the day in one piece.  We all have different ways of dealing with things, I find that just having something to laugh at each day helps me. To find the humor in something is my stress relief and helps make each day more bearable.

I know we all have times we feel overwhelmed, that is just life, but we can find ways to help us deal with each problem. 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Saturday, June 13, 2015

Is it really Happily Ever After?

The other day I was thinking back to when my 9 year old was about 3 and we were reading a book about Cinderella and the end said, "And they lived happily ever after." My daughter looked at me and said, "Mama, do you know why they lived happily ever after? Them didn't have no children.".  Of course we thought this was absolutely hilarious and realized that in no princess story ever has a child made an appearance. Now 6 years later and we still laugh about her observation.      
As it normally does when I think about one thing something else will come to mind, which leads me to a whole idea swimming around in my head.  I begin to think about what Happily ever after means and if in fact it does exist.
According to the phrase means: 
Spend the rest of one's life in happiness, as in In her romantic novels the hero and heroine end up marrying and then live happily ever after. This hyperbolic phrase ends many fairy tales. [Mid-1800s ]
Now that we see what the dictionary has to say, I think we can all agree that is what we thought the phrase meant. I know as a little girl I dreamed of my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armor sweeping me off my feet. I imagined a life full of happiness and joy. A home with my husband, children and a dog. I imagined that everything would be peachy king and that all would always be happy and joyful.
 Can I just say that married life was a bit of a shock!!
I am not trying to say that I am not happy, I am very happy in my marriage and my life.  What I am saying is that the fairy tale life I always dreamed off is in fact that, a fairy tale. There is no such thing as a life with only joy and happiness, that type of life is only a dream.  Life is full trouble anyway and when you marry/have a family that gives you more people with problems.  There will always be ups and downs, like a roller coaster and we have just have to hang on and try our best to enjoy the ride.
I think that some young people marry, expect everything to be perfect and when trouble comes up they just don't know how to handle it.  
We go through so much in life, more as we get older and closer to others.  Marriage does add it's set of problems, but also gives us someone to go through those problems with. The last five years of my marriage have been clouded with difficulties; sickness, sorrow, grief. My husband and I have had to deal with so much and at one point I thought we were not going to make it. In fact a lesser man, one who just couldn't handle my depression, would have left me, but he didn't. He stuck it out, loved me, supported me and prayed for me.  I guess he really has been my "Knight in shining armor".
Fairy tale marriages do not exist, but we can and have to work to make our marriages as happy as possible. When it comes to the ending of those fairy tale stories, I guess what we should actually say is, "And they lived Happily Ever After, (for the most part.)".

"That's 'my two cents worth', what's yours?