Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Worst Pain

After dinner today my fourteen year old asked me, "Mama, what is the worst pain you have ever felt?".  First off that question caught me off guard, I mean where did that even come from.  I wonder sometimes about the things that are going through the heads of my children.  Anyway, you would think a question like that would take some time to answer, but for me I instantly knew.  I could have said that it was the time I almost cut off my pinky toe (a story for another time) or I could have said childbirth (that was a pretty painful).  Instead, I immediately thought of and told her my worst pain ever was a broken heart.

My reasoning for that is the fact that a broken heart does not only hurt physically, but emotionally as well.  I dare to say that everyone reading this has at some point or other suffered from a broken heart and you can understand what I mean when I say that.  I remember how I hurt physically in my body. It felt as if I could not shake the ache that seemed to consume my entire being. I was unable to sleep or eat.  I remember going to bed and crying until I was able to  doze off, only to be awake just a couple of hours later.  I remember that my appetite was almost non-existent. I would eat only because people said I needed too, not because  I wanted too.  I remember that the emotional pain was almost unbearable. Those few precious hours of sleep would provide a short escape from the tears and turmoil that the mind faces.  I remember waking up and my broken heart being the first thing on my mind.  I write now in the past tense as if these things no longer take place. Let me clarify that is not so.  The physical pain is not as prominent as it once was. There are still days that I do not sleep or eat as I should. There are still days that I feel as if my entire  body aches.  These days are less and less as time goes forward.  The emotional pain still lingers, right under the surface, ready at any moment to show itself.  It may be a word or phrase, it could even be a sight or smell that brings it up.  I often dread leaving home to go grocery shopping, out to eat or even to church, because I never know when that pain may rise up in me.  All my life I have heard that time heals all wounds and often thought that was so not true, I felt like my wounds were never going to heal. Then one day  I read a quote and thought how very true and awfully correct it was.

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. ~Rose Kennedy

So if you see me out in the neighborhood and I look as if I have been crying or I am upset, just remember I still struggle with the worst pain I ever felt, my broken heart.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Saturday, August 9, 2014

Anniversaries: Some good, some bad

We have two major anniversaries that are hitting us this weekend. When you first hear the word anniversary I think that weddings are the thing that comes to mind.  People are always celebrating how many years they have been married and what that means to them.  I love celebrating the anniversary of my wedding. My husband and I just had our ninth anniversary and we are looking forward to our tenth (which we will be celebrating at Disney World next year). I was pondering over the word and decided to look it up. According to the Merriam-Webster online dictionary the word anniversary means,

1:  the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event; broadly :  a date that follows such an event by a specified period of time measured in units other than years <the 6-month anniversary of the accident>
2:  the celebration of an anniversary 

As I got to thinking about the topic, I came to the realization that anniversaries are not always good.

I had been doing a lot of thinking yesterday and kept going back over my mind to August 8, 2013. That was the day that the doctor called me and told me the scariest thing I have ever heard, "Your 13 year old daughter has cancer.".   I was in shock, I just didn't want to believe that was what was wrong, but it was.  We made it, with the Lord by our sides, through all that chemo and time spent in the hospital and here we are one year later the stronger because of it.  I am not sure if yesterday was good or bad anniversary. I mean it was bad in the sense of the news we got, but I guess you could also look at as good. Why? Because it is a reminder of what happened and how good God has been in our daughter's life. He has healed her and continues to do so. Next week is her nine month check-up with her oncologist and we are hoping and praying for continued healing and good news.

The second anniversary that we have this weekend will be tomorrow. On August 10, 2010 I went to the doctor for a routine ultrasound with my third pregnancy. I had never had any major problems early in my pregnancies, but from the moment I got that positive result I just had a feeling something was not right.  That day would prove that my "feeling" was correct. The ultrasound revealed that our precious little baby's heart was not beating. I will never forget the intense pain of that news. We decided to name our little angel August. It means one of royal birth. I think it was a perfect choice since our baby was born straight into God's family. At first I seemed to be fine, but as the days went on my emotional and mental pain only worsened. It has been a long difficult journey, with two more miscarriages since the first. I continue to have my good days and my bad days. I know this is something I will never "get over", even though many people keep telling me I need to. It is those people that have no clue about what it feels like to be missing not only one, but three pieces of your heart. It is those people who think having babies is the easiest thing in the world. I can tell you with a certainty it is not. I always dread these loss anniversary dates, but I try to remind myself at each one that God had a plan and purpose for taking my babies on to heaven. Do I understand it? No. Will I ever understand it? No. Will it matter in the end? I don't believe so. I believe when I get to heaven and see my precious little ones for the first time that I will be so happy and joyful that I won't even care about the why.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Weight Loss Journey: Part 3

So here I am again writing all about my weight loss journey, or as I should call it my weight loss that isn't happening.  Back in April I wrote part 2 of this blog topic and at the time I was just a couple of pounds from reaching my fourth goal in my journey. Well since then we have had vacation, Bible schools and lots of church get togethers.  I also had a minor surgery that put me out of commission for about 3 weeks. I also  picked up my soda habit again. I was disgusted with myself when I saw that I was drinking two, sometimes three sodas a day. I think y'all get the point, the last few months have been difficult!   So here I am back at it again. I have started drinking my water and am back to one drink a day. I am making sure that I eat breakfast everyday and that I am watching the amount of sweets I am eating. My eight year old loves to bake and we have had all sorts of goodies at home this summer. In fact, she just baked a peach cobbler this past Monday and it was delicious. All that being said, it is hard when you drop the ball and let things catch up to you. I am only up two and a half pounds from what I was, but I am still not happy with that. I have decided this time that each and every morning I am going to ask the Lord for help throughout the day to keep me on track. I am also starting back with my exercise routine. I am planning to get back to my walking 3 days a week and my Zumba 3 days a week. It is not so much about weight, but about being healthy. I am planning to get the rest of my family on board. I'm sure my husband will be all for it, but these kids are another matter. Here's to hoping that won't buck me to bad. Now let's get up, get back on the wagon and get moving!!

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"