Sunday, August 17, 2014

The Worst Pain

After dinner today my fourteen year old asked me, "Mama, what is the worst pain you have ever felt?".  First off that question caught me off guard, I mean where did that even come from.  I wonder sometimes about the things that are going through the heads of my children.  Anyway, you would think a question like that would take some time to answer, but for me I instantly knew.  I could have said that it was the time I almost cut off my pinky toe (a story for another time) or I could have said childbirth (that was a pretty painful).  Instead, I immediately thought of and told her my worst pain ever was a broken heart.

My reasoning for that is the fact that a broken heart does not only hurt physically, but emotionally as well.  I dare to say that everyone reading this has at some point or other suffered from a broken heart and you can understand what I mean when I say that.  I remember how I hurt physically in my body. It felt as if I could not shake the ache that seemed to consume my entire being. I was unable to sleep or eat.  I remember going to bed and crying until I was able to  doze off, only to be awake just a couple of hours later.  I remember that my appetite was almost non-existent. I would eat only because people said I needed too, not because  I wanted too.  I remember that the emotional pain was almost unbearable. Those few precious hours of sleep would provide a short escape from the tears and turmoil that the mind faces.  I remember waking up and my broken heart being the first thing on my mind.  I write now in the past tense as if these things no longer take place. Let me clarify that is not so.  The physical pain is not as prominent as it once was. There are still days that I do not sleep or eat as I should. There are still days that I feel as if my entire  body aches.  These days are less and less as time goes forward.  The emotional pain still lingers, right under the surface, ready at any moment to show itself.  It may be a word or phrase, it could even be a sight or smell that brings it up.  I often dread leaving home to go grocery shopping, out to eat or even to church, because I never know when that pain may rise up in me.  All my life I have heard that time heals all wounds and often thought that was so not true, I felt like my wounds were never going to heal. Then one day  I read a quote and thought how very true and awfully correct it was.

It has been said that time heals all wounds. I don't agree. The wounds remain. Time - the mind, protecting its sanity - covers them with some scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone. ~Rose Kennedy

So if you see me out in the neighborhood and I look as if I have been crying or I am upset, just remember I still struggle with the worst pain I ever felt, my broken heart.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

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