So recently I was doing what I call my summer purging of my house, it is an annual event where we clean out the entire house and get rid of stuff we do not need. During this cleaning I came across this little dinner set. It took me back to the day I bought it and what I had kept it for. I decided at that moment to give it away. I know a little boy that it would be perfect for, so I was going to take it to him. I put it into my bag so I could drop it off to him sometime during the next few days. I had every intention of it leaving my house.
Well the day came that I would be seeing him, I picked up my tote bag and was heading out the door when the feeling hit. I like to call it spontaneous grief (a topic for another post). A short definition is grief that can come upon you at any time, in any place.
At that moment I couldn't move or think beyond my grief. I started to think about how that little set was meant for my baby and no one else's and the tears just came. I slowly turned around, removed the set from my bag and placed it in the laundry room cabinet with the other items I have not been able to part with. I felt bad for not giving him the set, but at the same time I knew I just was not ready.
I am sure that most people will not understand. I guess the only way you could is if you had been in my situation. I hope and pray that you my readers, never are.
Having another baby has been a dream of mine for the last five years, unfortunately for us that has been one dream that has not come true. We have been through so many different things and tried to make that dream a reality, but I guess that is the thing about dreams, they don't always happen.
I know that eventually I will get rid of the few remaining "baby" things that I have. It will not be easy, but it will happen. For right now I am taking the advice of many who have gone before me, "Be gentle with yourself. Grief is a raw emotion that can not be controlled. You will know when the time is right for you. Give yourself that time."
"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"