Monday, December 14, 2015

The Death of a Dream

Have you ever had that moment when you realize that no matter how hard you pray or how much you beg God's answer is still no?

Well I have!!

In fact that moment of clarity came to me only a few months ago. Was it hard to take? You better believe it was. In fact there is still a small little spark of hope inside of me that longs to be wrong. I guess when you want something so bad it is hard to give up on it. I guess it just becomes ingrained into your being.  Maybe that is the reason why God didn't say yes to my prayer. Maybe I was so focused on it and not on other things.

I was once told that written down my thoughts and feelings was very helpful. That sometimes when we feel that we can't talk to someone about it, we can put it into words, allowing us to get it out of our systems.  That is one reason that I started this blog, to help me deal with issues that I just didn't feel like I could say out loud, this is one of those topics.

Just sitting here preparing to write brings tears to my eyes.  It has been so difficult to want something so badly. I have this desire in my heart for this dream.  It is so strong in me that to give it up feels like giving up a piece of myself.  This desire is as strong as my need to breath and live. How do I give that up? I want to be able to let go. I want to be able to accept that it is just not part of God's plan for me, for my family.  I keep trying to find the good in it, but I can't.  I struggle with feelings of jealousy that others are getting this dream and I am not.  I have to remind myself each day that God has a reason for this.  That he knows the future and sees that it is just not what we need, but I still struggle.

When a dream dies you grieve. Not just for the dream itself, but for every dream that it pointed too. You think about all the things this one dream would have brought.  You wonder at the memories you would have made and how different life would have been.

My dream has died and with it all the little dreams attached to it. I am trying to see the positives. I am trying to make a new dream.  I am trying and I am failing.  Maybe some day I can find that new dream, but as for now, all I can do is grieve for what has been lost.

"That's 'my two-cents worth', what's yours?"

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