The things that happened to me physically were the same with each death, my appetite was almost non-existent and my sleep patterns got so out of whack. I remember going to bed physically exhausted only to sleep about three to four hours and then be wide awake. These physical problems took about a month or so to get over, but the emotional ones still pop up. There are about three main emotions that I have dealt with and am still dealing with. There were so many questions that I also had, so many that coincided with these emotions.
1. Guilt
Was this my fault? Did I cause this to happen? What have I done wrong? Is this God judging me for something I had done? I can not even begin to tell you how much guilt I felt after each and every miscarriage. I questioned each and every thing I had done during each pregnancy and wondered if I had caused something to go wrong. I would go over and over in my mind trying to remember what if anything I might have done. I even begin to wonder if I had something in my life that was unpleasing to God and that he was judging me. I know that I am not perfect by any means, but you still wonder if you may suffering the judgment of God. Even after I was told by my doctor over and over again, I still felt that horrible guilt. I believe I will always question and have these feelings of guilt, but I try to remind myself each day that it is not my fault and that I need to remember that.
2. Being Useless
What good am I to anyone? What is wrong with me? Why can't I do the one thing I was made for? Am I a bad mother? I really had a hard time dealing with feeling useless. I mean this one thing I am made to do, this one thing only us women can do is have children and I am unable to do that. Do you have any idea how horrible it is to feel like you are not a women? Let me tell you that is a horrible feeling. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, but I know that I did. I had feelings of being of no good to anyone, even though I knew how much my other children needed me. My husband did all he could to make me feel needed and appreciated, but being a housewife was just not enough. I even begin to wonder if I was a bad mother to the two I already had and that is why I was unable to have more children. I still struggle with this at times, but I just focus on the fact that my family does need me and that my husband and children love me very much.
3. Disappointment
Why is this happening to me? Why do other people get to have babies and I'm left out? Why are people having babies and then mistreating them, but I am not able to? Why does this keep happening to me over and over again? I also have dealt with the disappointment of having not just one baby, but three babies die to miscarriage. I have dealt with wondering why it is happening and why it keeps happening. I have been to many doctors and had test after test done and they now think they finally know what is going on. It does make a difference to find out that something is going on with your body and that there is hope for the future. Each day when I look around and see others with new babies or those pregnant, my heart breaks. When I see women who are not even raising their own children and are having more I just have to question why them and not me. I mean I would do the best I could in raising another baby. Each and every day presents these things to me and I have to fight the green monster of jealousy that raises its ugly head in my heart.
.....to be continued.
"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"
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