Let me start of this blog with a warning to you, this was very difficult for me to write, and may be difficult for some to read. I have decided to break it up into more than one post, it is just too much for me to talk about in one. I hope that by sharing my story it will help others to be able to deal with their own.
I penned these letters to our babies August, Kate and Quinn back in October as a way of helping to deal with their deaths and I wanted to share them with y'all.
To my dearest August,
Your were my third child, so unexpected, yet so wanted. What a joy it was to tell everyone about you, we were so excited to be having another baby. On August 10, 2010 what was to be our first ultrasound revealed that you were no longer with us. Your little heart was not beating, the Lord had called you home to be with him. Oh, how my heart was broken. It was such difficult news to hear. For the first few days I did really well, then the questioning begin. I wanted to know why God would take you home, but let others have babies, babies that would be abused and mistreated. I was so angry because understanding was not there. It would take months for me to be able to get over that anger, but I have never gotten over your death. Every time I see a little boy or girl that would be your age, I just want to weep. I am certain you were the son I had been longing for, that little boy who would complete our family. You would be 2 and 1/2 this week and such a joy to have here. I often wonder what you look like, how your personality would be? Would you be like your father, me or someone else in our family? What color would you hair and your eyes be? I never had the chance to hold you or see you on this side, but I know that I will see you again when we are together in Heaven. I know when I get there you will know me and I will know you. I long for the day that I hear you call me Mommy for the very first time. We gave you the name August, it means one of royal birth. We thought it was perfect because you bypassed this world and went straight on to live with Jesus our king.
To my dearest Kate,
You were my fourth child, very much wanted, expected and tried for. You were a secret that we keep and then you left us so early it was hard to even tell people about you. On April 29, 2011, the same day of Prince William and Kate's wedding, I found out about you. We were so excited and anxious about having another baby! After a phone call to my doctor, I was scheduled for routine blood work on Monday. On that Monday afternoon they called to tell me that is was not a matter of if, but a matter of when I would lose you. There was nothing they could do, no medicine they could give to make you live. We cried and prayed until that Wednesday, May 4, 2011 when God called you home to him. Even though your lose was a difficult one, it was a little easier knowing that you and your brother were together in Heaven. You would have been 20 months old this month. I often think about you and wonder what type of toddler you would be. I also think of what our lives would be like with you here. When I found out about you, I just knew you were a girl. I made a promise that day that you would be named Katherine and called Kate. Katherine means pure and what a blessing it is to know that you now live in a pure place with our perfect Lord. Most people would think I named you after Princess Kate, Katherine is a family name for us, but calling you Kate, that was going to be after her. I can't wait until I get to see you and your brother. I look forward to the day when I hear you call me Mommy for the first time and I get to wrap my arms around y'all. What a happy day that is going to be!!
To my dearest Quinn,
You were my 5th child, so wanted and tried for. As I sat here drinking my coffee the thought is not lost on me that it should be decaf and that you should be here with me. On April 25, 2013 we found out we were expecting you. It had been two years exactly since our last pregnancy and we were overjoyed to get the news. I had prayed everyday for 6 months, ever since we started trying again, for a child and then God answered my prayer. Everything went fine and at 7 weeks I was able to see your little heartbeat for the first time. What a wonderful moment that was. We kept you a secret, we wanted to wait until our 12 week appointment to share the news. It was hard to do, because I was already starting to show by 10 weeks. On June 22, 2013 the complications begin and I was put on bed rest and told to get to the doctor on Monday, but I did not make it. At 1:00 on Monday morning I woke up your father and I knew you were gone. I did not need the doctor at the ER to tell me, but even when he said the words, it was still so horrible. I didn't know the human heart could be broken so many times, yet still go on beating. It was so hard to come home and tell your sisters that you were no longer with us, they didn't even know about you yet. We decided to name you Quinn, it means fifth. The number 5 is also the number of grace in the Bible and I have sure needed a lot of grace each time one of you has left me. I rejoice with those who are having babies, but sometimes it takes all I have to not weep openly at the sight of a pregnant woman. It hurts to see ultrasounds and newborn babies. Each time it is like my heart is being broken all over again. I know I will see you again my little Quinn, along with your brother August and sister Kate. Some glorious daybreak when my time here is done, I will enter into Heaven and I know you will be waiting for me. I long to see, hug and hear all of you call me Mommy. Oh, what a grand reunion we are going to have!! It is going to be so much better than anything this world has ever known!
To be continued......