Saturday, January 18, 2014

Forever in our Hearts: Part 3

I know that my previous two blogs have been a lot for y'all to take in, they have been a lot for me to write.  I want to address in this post the things that I have learned and am still learning as I go through this part of my life.

1. It will never be something I get over.
 I will always carry around the loss and pain that I feel.  Please don't expect me to be able to just "get over it".  This has been a major traumatic event in my life and it is not something that I can just forget has happened.

2. I will talk about my babies because they matter and they deserve to be remembered.
 My three babies in Heaven matter to me. I love them just as much as I do my children here on earth. Being separated by time and space does not change that fact.  Do I speak of them everyday? No, but I don't ever want to stop speaking of them. To do so for me would mean that they were being forgotten and I never want that to happen.

3. There are certain things you should never say to a person like me. I got these courtesy of the following article. She put it into words much better than I could have.

1-    It was God’s plan
2-    You can just try again
3-    It is for the best
4-    Everything happens for a reason
5-    At least you weren't very far along
6-    God doesn't give you more than you can handle
7-    Be grateful for the children you already have
8-    You still have so much to be thankful for (can also apply to infertility issues)
9-    God needed him more than you did
10- I can only imagine what you are going through

Although these may seem like the right thing to say, but often times they only cause more heartache for the grieving mother.

4. There are things that you can do.

1-   Listen: she may tell you the same story 100x, just listen.
2-   Do: meet the families practical needs (help with food, cleaning, medical bills, etc) offer to make personal keepsakes such as sewing clothing into a blanket or make a scrapbook BUT do not do anything physical without asking her first. Some find certain items too painful to touch or allow others to touch.
3-   Share: A mother who has lost a child wants to know that their baby will not be forgotten. Share your favorite memories with her, send her cards on birthdays and holidays and let her know you are remembering her child with her.
4-  Wait: Grief is unpredictable and has no timetable. Be patient with her and never ever tell her to “move on.” Just do your best to walk with her in the valley.

5. Never take your ability to have more children for granted.
I always intended to have another child, I always planned to be the mother of 3 children, but my plans were not what God had in mind for me.  You need to enjoy every baby as if it were your last, because it just might be, regardless of what you think.  I enjoyed my youngest child growing up, but I didn't really "enjoy" like I should have. If I had known I would not be able to have another child I would have took in every little moment that we had together.

6. I will not now or ever stop telling my story, even if it makes others uncomfortable.
Do not expect me to pretend as if they never existed, they did if only for a short time. Just as you and I tell the stories of our living children, by posting pictures, relating funny little things they do or sharing their accomplishments, I will continue to talk of my sweet babies that now live in Heaven.  If that makes you uncomfortable, well I am not sorry. I will not apologize for loving my children and grieving over their deaths.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

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