When the body betrays

I touched on this topic in an earlier blog post, but just felt that it needed it's own posting, so here we go.

In the Fall of 2013, I was diagnosed with a condition. A condition that I had heard of only once before. A condition that doesn't effect me all the time. A condition entirely linked to pregnancy.  As most of my readers know in August of 2010 I had my first miscarriage (little August), May of 2011 the second (little Kate) and June 24th of 2013 the third (little Quinn).  It would be after the third  that blood work would reveal that I had a  blood clotting disorder.  Basically what happens is that when I am not pregnant my blood is normal, but when I get pregnant that is when the trouble starts. My blood gets to thick and can not make its way through the placenta to the baby, resulting in my baby not receiving the nourishment it needs to survive.

All that means is that my body starves my babies. 

I know that sounds harsh, but that is basically what is going on, my body is betraying me.

Do you have any idea how that feels?  As a woman I am supposed to be able to carry and nurture the growing baby inside of me, but my body just refuses to do it's job.  I wanted answers after each loss. I felt in some way responsible and I wanted to know that I wasn't. After finding out what was going on, I feel more responsible than ever.  Loss is hard, multiple loss is even harder, but feeling responsible for each loss is the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

Deep down I know that the miscarriages were not my fault. I know that it was not under my control. I know that I had no idea what to do that could have prevented it. Now I know there are things that could have helped and maybe prevented the losses, but at the time I had no clue about what was going on. Even knowing all of that now, I still have moments when the guilt weighs so heavy on me. It is during these times I find it difficult to breathe and all I can do is cry.  Some days are worse than others.  I suspect that I will carry around this feeling forever. I don't' think it will ever truly go away, but hopefully as time goes on it will get better.  When I am having one of those days (like today), I just have to remind myself that God had a reason for taking each of those little ones to Heaven. I don't understand it, but just knowing they are safe and happy makes the grieving a little bit easier.

It is not always easy to talk about such topics. Maybe there is someone out there who is dealing with the same thing I have. I want this post to help others and hopefully due to the writing, it will help me too. You see, I still find most people are not willing to listen, unless they have been through the same thing.  I long for the day when we can talk about miscarriage openly and let others know that how they feel, what they are going through, all the things happening to them are normal.  That each life does matter, if it lasted 100 years or 10 days, they all matter.

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Stick a fork in me, I'm done!!

Can I just say that I feel so overwhelmed!! I just feel like I am in an eternal valley, I can see the mountains up ahead, but I just can't seem to ever make it to them. It is like every time I feel like I am getting my footing again, I get the floor jerked out from under me and down I go!!

What an interesting way to start a blog post, right? I just really need a chance to vent. I mean I am sure that at least some of my readers have felt the same way, like it just seems that one thing after another falls on them?

I recently had a conversation with a friend. We were talking about a medical issue that has come up in my family. She was asking me how this person was feeling and I was updating her on what was going on. We then got to talking about how so many things are always happening to people, more some than others, when she said, "I believe God only gives the most difficult battles to his strongest soldiers."  She said it as an encouragement and I have to say that it was.  I often feel like our family has really been "put through the ringer" so to speak.  It just seems as if every time the phone rings it is some more "bad" news.  In fact, I often feeling like just letting the phone ring. I just don't even want to answer and find out what is waiting at the other end of the line.

It is easy to say have faith, that all things have a purpose, that God has a plan in what is going on when it is not you things are happening to. I find that when you have to wear those shoes, it makes a huge difference in how you see things.  It will also make you see that those comments are not always welcome. Are they true, yes, but not always what you need to hear at the time.  I can think back to so many things that people have said to me trying to be helpful, when in fact they were being hurtful. Oh, they didn't mean to be, they had just never experienced anything like it before.  I think sometimes it is better to just say I'm sorry/I'm praying for you and go on.  We don't have to try and justify what has happened/is happening with our comments. 

I know that each new day will bring its own set of circumstances, some good/some bad, and that all I can do is to take them and deal the best I can.  Some days that may mean all I can do is cry, others I may be able to function and get through the day in one piece.  We all have different ways of dealing with things, I find that just having something to laugh at each day helps me. To find the humor in something is my stress relief and helps make each day more bearable.

I know we all have times we feel overwhelmed, that is just life, but we can find ways to help us deal with each problem. 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

Is it really Happily Ever After?



The other day I was thinking back to when my 9 year old was about 3 and we were reading a book about Cinderella and the end said, "And they lived happily ever after." My daughter looked at me and said, "Mama, do you know why they lived happily ever after? Them didn't have no children.".  Of course we thought this was absolutely hilarious and realized that in no princess story ever has a child made an appearance. Now 6 years later and we still laugh about her observation.      

 

As it normally does when I think about one thing something else will come to mind, which leads me to a whole idea swimming around in my head.  I begin to think about what Happily ever after means and if in fact it does exist.

 

According to http://dictionary.reference.com the phrase means: 

Spend the rest of one's life in happiness, as in In her romantic novels the hero and heroine end up marrying and then live happily ever after. This hyperbolic phrase ends many fairy tales. [Mid-1800s ]

 

Now that we see what the dictionary has to say, I think we can all agree that is what we thought the phrase meant. I know as a little girl I dreamed of my Prince Charming, my Knight in Shining Armor sweeping me off my feet. I imagined a life full of happiness and joy. A home with my husband, children and a dog. I imagined that everything would be peachy king and that all would always be happy and joyful.

 

 Can I just say that married life was a bit of a shock!!

 

 

I am not trying to say that I am not happy, I am very happy in my marriage and my life.  What I am saying is that the fairy tale life I always dreamed off is in fact that, a fairy tale. There is no such thing as a life with only joy and happiness, that type of life is only a dream.  Life is full trouble anyway and when you marry/have a family that gives you more people with problems.  There will always be ups and downs, like a roller coaster and we have just have to hang on and try our best to enjoy the ride.

I think that some young people marry, expect everything to be perfect and when trouble comes up they just don't know how to handle it.  

 

We go through so much in life, more as we get older and closer to others.  Marriage does add it's set of problems, but also gives us someone to go through those problems with. The last five years of my marriage have been clouded with difficulties; sickness, sorrow, grief. My husband and I have had to deal with so much and at one point I thought we were not going to make it. In fact a lesser man, one who just couldn't handle my depression, would have left me, but he didn't. He stuck it out, loved me, supported me and prayed for me.  I guess he really has been my "Knight in shining armor".

 

 

 

 

Fairy tale marriages do not exist, but we can and have to work to make our marriages as happy as possible. When it comes to the ending of those fairy tale stories, I guess what we should actually say is, "And they lived Happily Ever After, (for the most part.)".

 

 







"That's 'my two cents worth', what's yours?

 

 



The Greatest Generation

First off I just want to recognize that this is Memorial Day weekend and I want to say thank you to our military men and women who have laid down their lives and gave their all so that we here in America could remain free.


Once upon a time there were a group of young men (and women) who accepted the call to fight for and protect freedom around the world. They came together from all different backgrounds, walks of life and countries world wide. I would like to introduce you to one such man, a man that was our friend and whom we love greatly, his name was Mr. Charles Pike. He never really talked much about his time in the war. I believe that sometimes, even in his 80's, the memories and the pain were just to hard to bear. I would like to tell you just a little bit about what he told us and by way of his story I hope to introduce you to The Greatest Generation.

Mr. Pike left his home in North Carolina to fight the Nazi's in Europe.  He was a machine gun man. What that means is he was responsible for part of the set up of the gun. He was what he called the tripod man, he was the first out to set up the footing for the gun and the other men would follow behind. He saw many battles and watched his friends die. I remember one story in particular he told us. He was sitting in a tank just sort of keeping an eye on things, his shift was just about up, but no replacement had come. His commanding officer came to tell him that he would be taking his place and to go get some rest. Mr. Pike said that he remembered it just like it was yesterday. He hadn't been out of that tank but just a few minutes when it was bombed and his commanding officer was killed. He always told us that he was so very fortunate and blessed, that God had looked after him the whole time. 

Mr. Pike was one of the greatest men I have ever known. He went to war willingly to fight and defeat a very evil man and his armies.  Mr. Pike would have told you that he wasn't anything special, that he was just doing the right thing. I say he was remarkable and I am so glad that my family had a chance to know him.

According to statistics, our World War II vets are dying at a rate of approximately 492 a day.  I wonder how many of them live alone or in nursing homes? How many of them would love to have a visitor, someone to talk to and tell their story to?  I know that I miss Mr. Pike so much and would love to have the chance to talk with him again. I also know that he loved Jesus, was saved and is in Heaven right now.  One day we will see each other again and we will have eternity to just visit with one another. 

 

Mr. Charles Pike

Veteran World War II

 

 



"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"

 



Why Frozen is so popular

So, I have gotten way behind in my blogging, but it seems that since we returned from Disney that life has been going crazy (a blog for another time). I am trying to catch up on my writing, since I have so many ideas and really need to get them on paper. Today I thought I would tackle a question that I hear lots of people asking. In 2013 Disney released the movie Frozen and honestly I beleive it has exceeded all the limits that Disney imagined for it. While we were at Disney World I saw lots of little Annas and Elsas and if you wanted to meet the princesses you had best have a fast pass to make it happen. We did have one for 8 at night, it was the first we could get, but the only fast pass I really had to have. So back to the question I hear all the time.

So, why is Frozen so popular?

 It's a cartoon, I mean who doesn't love a good cartoon. I remember fighting with my brothers on Saturday morning to see who was going to get control of the television. We all loved Saturday morning television. They had the best cartoons, especially Looney Tunes, and that is how we spent our Saturdays.

It has those really catchy songs. Even now I still catch myself belting out "Let it Go" or "In Summer". The songs are some of the best I have heard from Disney and they just kind of get stuck in your head.

It has a villian that you just love to hate. I mean, who would have ever thought that he would have turned out to be the bad guy. I will not give anything away, just in case their are some people out there who have not seen it yet.

 It has an amazing storyline. Two sisters who just adore each other and then all of sudden one day they lose that. I know there were circumstances that got in the way,but that is life. If Elsa would have just been honest with Anna things would have definately went different. I think that is the case for all of us, we often leave things unsaid in families and we just fall away from one another. If we would just take the time to talk and listen we could learn about and help each other.

It is not only children that love the movie, but adults as well, most likely the women love it best. Which brings me to the point of why I just adore this movie and I believe so many other adult women love it too. I think Elsa is sort of like all of us.

I bet you wonder why I think that? Let me take just a few minutes to explain myself.

I believe that Elsa is like all of us mainly because she has to keep a secret that is eating her up inside. All of us have something that we will not share with others. Perhaps like Elsa we feel that our family and friends will not understand. That they will criticize or put us down for how we feel. Elsa felt as if she could not tell Anna what was going on and I think we all have that at times. I also feel connected to Elsa in that I just want to be free. I just want a place to be for me and only me. A place to go where I can be who I am without fear of judgment. A place to cry and weep if I need to. A place where I don't have to explain myself to anyone. Of course my place would be somewhere warm and tropical, the one way I differ from Queen Elsa. I believe that Elsa calls to us all in that she just felt overwhelmed and couldn't control herself. I think she felt like life was just dragging at her like it does us.  It is very important for us all to have time alone. That time to unwind and just "Let it Go". The things of life drag at us everyday and if we don't take the time to get it out of our system all of it will overtake us causing us to loss our sense of self.

Elsa was finally able to work through her problem and let her secret out. We may never be able to reveal that thing we are hiding from the world and we may never want to, but we must find us a place and a time to just be alone. We need it to clear our minds and help us get through the everyday things of life.

 



"That's my 'two-cents worth, what's yours?"

 

 

 

When you stop blooming

I have always heard people talk about blooming where your planted, just doing the work that you need to do during a season of your life. When I was in school all I had to do was my work and make sure I was able to graduate. I had to "bloom" right there in high school. Over the years my life has changed and I have had to" bloom" in different places and ways. As the weather has warmed up here I started to move all my inside plants outside. I noticed how my Peace Lilies were beginning to look like they might be ready to be transplanted to other pots.  I got the first Peace Lily almost 9 years ago and I have gotten several plants from that one. I gave a few away, but I still kept two of them.  As they grow and get to big for their pots the roots start to grow upward, the plants become root bound and will begin to die. The only way to save them is by moving them into a bigger pot.  As my mind went along this line of thinking, it occurred to me that we are just like my two little lilies. 

I bet some of you wonder how I could believe that we are like my little houseplants, but when you really stop to consider it we are.  First off let me explain the flower part of my analogy: When you first put a flower in a pot, you make sure the pot is big enough to give room for the flower to grow and thrive. At some point it will outgrow that pot and you will just have to keep moving it from pot to pot.  It is just the way things are, if you want your plant to live you have to take the time to care for it and make sure that it has the room it needs.

Now let me explain how that goes right along with our lives:  We like plants have to have room to grow and thrive in order to live and bloom. I will use a personal experience that may bring this whole idea into perspective. Once I was involved in an activity that I had been a part of for over 7 years. I had always enjoyed being a part of it, but then something's happened in my life and I just didn't enjoy being a part of my special place anymore.  I just felt like I was wilting and withering away, like I had gotten root bound and couldn't grow.  I felt stuck and I was very unhappy.  I begin to pray for the Lord to move me someplace else or to give me back the love for what I had been doing.  The Lord did work it out and moved me somewhere new, doing something that I love. You see the Lord saw that I was no longer able to "bloom" where I was and he moved me to a brand new place that allowed for growth and blooming. I now am able to thrive and grow.

So you see just like plants, we at times grow out of room and need to be moved so we can grow and thrive.  God has a special job for all of us, a place that he has just for us, but at times that place will change and perhaps he will need to move us or change us, so that we can grow and bloom for him. 

"That's my 'two-cents' worth, what's your's?" 

When people change

This is a topic that I know each and every one of us has had experience with. We grow up knowing someone our whole lives or we meet someone and know them for years, and then all of a sudden they are totally different. I know there are different reasons that people change, some for the better and some for the worse.

First off I want to talk about those who change for the worse:

We all know these people that for some reason or another reason they just go from the person we enjoyed spending time with, to someone we don't even want to see. What makes these people change? I guess maybe it is just the workings of life and sometimes they just don't know how to handle them. Maybe people just have so much happen that it feels like the struggle will never end. Maybe they just feel overwhelmed by all the "bad" and they just can not see the good.  I can personally  speak from experience, that the circumstances I have gone through have changed me drastically.  Some for the better, but some for the worse. That's right. I admit it, I have not always changed for the good.  I find myself more short tempered about some things. I have developed  a thick skin, something I never had before. I feel as if sometimes I have been stuck in a valley, battling my way through  and I have been scarred greatly by these battles. As the old cliché says, "Life is not easy." and I give a hearty AMEN to that.  I guess we can say that everyone has been changed for the worse, just because we no longer see the world through the naivety of a our younger selves.


Now to talk about those who change for the good:

When I think of people changing for the good I think about my husband. He grew up working on a tobacco farm and being used as free child labor. (I often wonder if people years ago had such big families just for the free child labor?)  His childhood was one of hard work and he had very little time to be a child. When he tells me stories I feel so sad for the lack of play time that he and his brother had. When he graduated he moved out, got a job and started living his life. He had lots of ups and downs, got in with some people who were the "party type" and did things that he won't even talk about now. He does tell me the occasional story and I can hardly believe that he survived to tell the tale. About 20 years ago, my husband decided that there had to be more to life that what he was living and he bowed on his knees and asked Jesus to save him. He says it was the best decision he has ever made. Jesus changed his life and made him a different person. You see that is a change for the better. I know lots of people that have had the same change. They have accepted the sacrifice that Jesus made when he died on the cross, the giving of himself for our sins, that we may have eternal life. 

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.


John 10:10 King James Version (KJV)
The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

As you can see change is not always a bad thing, all people go through changes during life. We are changed by other people, circumstances, and life in general. The most important change is when we make the choice to let Jesus lead and guide our lives and to follow what he would have us to do.

 

"That's my 'two-cents worth', what's yours?"